About a year and a half ago I wrote a blog titled “Dialogues Pt. 1” and it was a conversation that I had with God in the midst of the Colorado Rockies. It was, in my opinion, one of the most personal, vulnerable things that I’ve ever had the courage to publish. Here’s a little snippet for anyone who hasn’t read it.
(My questions are in italics and God’s answer is in bold)
– God I feel inadequate. I want to be truly confident in my identity as YOUR daughter and nothing else.
That identity is right in front of you.
– God help me see it.
You can only see it if you open your eyes. You’ve been holding so tight to a different vision of all the things you “should” be and nothing that I’ve actually called you to be. You are loved and deeply desired by my heart. You are cared for more intimately than you will ever know. You are chosen to lead your friends and your family. You are called to be a light.
– God what if I fail
Oh you will. But my grace is sufficient for you, and my mercies are new with every breath you take. Know that and let that sink deep into your being. Take every step of your life with that truth set out in front of you. I have called you to big things
– God I know that there will be times when I feel alone. What do I do?
Recite these promises over your life. Never will I leave you or forsake you. And surely I am with you always, even to the end of the age. You do not have a high priest who is distant from you; he lived the life you are living and he feels the things you feel. Take comfort in knowing that YOU in all that you are, are my beloved. If I am for you, who can be against you? No matter how many times it takes, say those things to yourself and I promise I will turn your heart of stone into a heart of flesh once more.
Last night, I was wrapped up in some struggles that have been consuming my thoughts for the past couple weeks. The fear and doubt had gotten so loud in my head that I was honestly not all that excited for World Race anymore. I was feeling alone, rejected, and unsure of what exactly I was getting myself into.
I opened my bible to the beginning of Colossians, and chapter 1:9-10 says this, “And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him: bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God” (ESV).
After reading and copying these verses into my journal, I wrote:
– Lord help me to live a life that is worthy of you. Help me to desire to grow in knowledge of who you are and who i am in you. I so badly want people to get a glimpse of you just by coming into contact with me.
And God replied:
Amaris, that is a bold prayer, and the road to that place is not always easy. As you already know, it’s hard to love like me. In a perfect world, it would come as naturally as inhaling and exhaling the breath in your lungs. In a perfect world there would be no pain, rejection, addiction, fear, or broken lines of communication. You see, all f these things come from the lack of authentic love.
But all hope is not lost! I am the source of the authentic love that your heart so longs to possess and share. When you feel like you have no more of your own love to give, share some of mine. It never, ever runs out. Because you live in me, and I live in you, you have more to give than you could ever imagine.
So I implore you, love more than you ever thought possible. Go the extra mile for someone who isn’t budging an inch for you. Speak an encouraging word to someone even when you aren’t feeling encouraged yourself. Tell people how much you love them without the expectancy of something in return. I promise that the end of your rope is only the beginning of God’s. There’s always more patience, grace, love, and mercy right at your fingertips if you only ask for it. There’s always more.
