Something weird starts happening in the middle of the World Race. We start thinking about the end. Since the middle of my race was mostly consumed by my transition into Squad Leading, it really didn’t hit me until just a couple weeks ago. The end is near. We leave Cambodia in just a couple days, we have our month in Thailand (which is packed full with PVT and a debrief), then two countries in Eastern Europe, then Spain, then home. Uhhhh…what?
The thought of going home has wrapped me up in feelings of both fear and hope. These two feel as conflicting as they sound.
You see, I’m a different person. I’ve both changed and grown during these past few months. I’ve seen things I can’t describe. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are each individual relationships, while I have new sight for the trinity as one. I seek to understand before I judge. I feel emotions I had avoided. I cry a lot. I laugh a lot. I can actually admit when I’m wrong. And with all this I am still changing and still growing. My walk in faith does not end with the 11 month, yet has become a lifestyle. This all sounds great and dandy here and in this place, but what does all that look like back home? That part scares me.
Right now, I don’t know how to go back into my old world as the new me. This is something I am currently working through with the Lord. I’m asking him for a greater faith in myself, a greater faith in the work he has done in my life. A few weeks ago I expressed this fear to one of my squad mates, Reece, and he said “Do you not believe that the work the Lord did in you is whole and good? The fear of going backwards is like saying the Lord’s work is not good enough.” Whoosh. But he is right. It is my pride that thinks I will go home and somehow undo all the good work the Father has done in my life.
With that comes the feelings of hope. Since my walk in faith does not end with the 11 months, home becomes my mission field. I get to take all this crazy cool change and growth to the people I love most in the world. Yes, there is a chance of rejection. Yes, some may not want to drink from the craziness I’m currently swimming in. But it is so sweet and so good that I cannot wait to tell my friends about it. I can’t wait to go home to my parents and be the daughter they deserve. I get to go home and love both my sisters in a way I’ve never loved them. Because before I loved from flesh and now I love from the Father.
I don’t know what comes after the race in my life. I don’t have a job lined up. I will have very little money to my name. I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. And all these things still scare me (like I said, I’m working on it). But since I have no plans of my own, isn’t that the perfect place for the Lord to come in a direct me exactly where he wants me? And that is super cool and full of hope!
Some of you might be thinking, “Chill, Lina. You still have a lot of race left.” You are right. I have four rad months ahead of me and I am so very present here. But I also cannot deny the feelings I have about the after. So here I am, about to walk (literally, because we have to walk across the border) into month eight, and I feel both fear and hope. My prayer is that by the time I am heading home, I feel no fear. I want to run through the airport. I am overcome with hope for the unknown future he has for me.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
With love,
Lina
