Is it this strenuous for everyone? Are days lagging for you, but do you look at your countdown every night and wonder how we can already be so close? These weeks between Training Camp and Launch are hard and here is what I’m struggling with most…
Identity.
My world was rocked at Training Camp, in the most amazing ways. But dealing with the aftermath of all my shattered false selves and facing the reality of the shame and anger I had been holding on to is quiet the mind boggler. Life after TC is a bit of a mess.
You see, it recently was revealed to me that for most my life, I have been finding my identity and worth in my performance. My identity was in my ability to be a good daughter, or to perform well in school, or do my very best and get recognized for a job well done in just about any position I was put in. This might not seem like a bad thing, it’s pushing me to work hard, right?
Well let’s back up a bit to my high school years. If you had asked me who I was in high school, my first answer would likely be “volleyball player.” That was how I was known, and how I saw myself. I was friends with volleyball players, most my free time was taken up by volleyball, and if I was involved in anything else I was first recognized as an athlete…”the volleyball player whose on the yearbook staff” or “the volleyball girl in student council”…so as you can imagine performing well in the thing that made up most of my identity was pretty important to me. My junior year I was beat out in my position by someone younger than me. No big deal, it’s just an extracurricular right? Wrong. It devastated me. It embarrassed me. And ultimately, it was part of my decline into depression.
All this is to say, my identity was based on performance in something that was temporary and not of Christ. I am thankful for the lessons I learned through being an athlete and the friends and memories made, but ultimately it is just a game. At TC, our squad mentor brought it to my attention that I was continuing this behavior even in little every day activities. I was finding my worth in being a top performer, but also was finding my worth in being recognized as a top performer…such as being put in a leadership role. Ashley, our mentor, said to me “you are enough just being you and you don’t have to perform for us.” Wow. It still sets me back a second just thinking about that conversation. It made so much sense but confused the crap out of me all at the same time. She told me I don’t have to perform to be enough, and my identity should instead be found through Christ and His purpose for me.
So what is my identity? Who am I if you take out all the things I’m “good” at? Society is telling me I’m worthy if I succeed and if I’m at the top, so how do I break this conditioning? Well, these are the questions I’ve been wrestling with for the past few weeks, and here’s what I’ve come up with:
My name is Allina and I am a daughter of the one true King. My deepest desire is to be used by the Father. I love His people well because I am allowing Him to love me.
That’s me right now and I’m still struggling to not search for fulfillment in my performance, but rather allow the Lord to fill me up by grace. I’m so thankful we don’t have to work our way into heaven, but I really think it would be easier for me to grasp than to simply accept grace. But again, I’m working on it.
Relationships.
Another area of struggle since TC is in my relationships. I think it is natural to grow apart from friends after graduation, but when you move a 1,000 miles away the day after graduation, that process accelerates a bit. I feel disconnected from every single one of my college friends and that is hard, made even more difficult by the fact that I do not have friends in Rangely. It is not anyone’s fault, it is the result of being in a very different place in my life than my friends. Most people my age are starting their career, starting their family, beginning to settle into their place in the world. That is not my story at all…which I am 100% okay with! I love seeing my friends getting engaged, or starting really awesome nursing jobs, or finishing up their education in a field they love. I feel a little FOMO (fear of missing out) when I see all their pictures together enjoying the summer activities of mid-Missouri. I struggle with the desire to maintain my friendships, and the disconnect I feel from their life.
To my friends reading this,
I don’t want to lose you! While we are in different chapters, living in different time zones, and chasing different dreams, you still hold a special place in my story.
There is also a disconnect here, with my family. I cannot put my finger on the reason, but it is evident. I think a part of it is me trying to distance myself. I think part of it is me feeling unable to explain my struggles to them. I think part of it is the enemy trying to pull me down. I think part of it is natural…as I prepare to leave and they prepare to be left, we getting in a mindset of distance. I am working on being even more present and connected.
Purpose.
I think this connects to my identity crisis, but I am also struggling to find my purpose within the World Race. I know I have been called to do this, and that I have been called to the mission field. But the enemy keeps creeping in and whispering ‘why?’. Why was I chosen for this? A long time ago, I accepted that the World Race was going to be one step of faith after another. But one step that keeps tripping me up is having faith that the Lord is going to use me. That He called me to the World Race for a purpose. I can tell myself everyday that He will reveal His purposes in His own time, but my flesh isn’t patient.
I have always had this fantasized image of my life where I accomplish greatness. Before, the accomplishments were of the world. Now, I imagine these great feats for the Kingdom! The enemy and my own fear tell me that is never possible. Which is what leads to the questions and need of knowing my purpose. My prayer is for patience and faith. I know the Lord does not work on a whim, and if He called me here, there is a reason.
Be patient Allina, and let Him show you.
These are a few of the areas of struggle since Training Camp. I am working on each area and take each one to the Lord daily. I ask for you to come along side me in these prayers, so when I head to Launch in only 18 days I can leave the fear and doubt behind!
With love,
Lina
