This blog post is in no way related to Justin Beiber.
This past week, I had the opportunity to be a part of an Awakening in Chiang Mai, Thailand. An awakening is an event that Adventures in Missions puts on where different world race squads can come together to worship, pray, and be encouraged together while on the field. Squads in attendance included V squad (obviously mine), B squad, E squad and F squad!
We ended the Awakening with a night of teaching/encouragement from a man named Andrew who spoke over us and passionately taught us what it meant to be truly awakened.
One powerful moment of the awakening was when Andrew spoke of a time when Holy Spirit told him to go and pray for a woman with cancer to be healed. Andrew said no to The Lord and He still remembers how it felt to disobey the Lord in that way. He encouraged us to not make the same mistake he had made and to truly walk in abandonment and obedience.
What Andrew didn’t know was that I had made that mistake earlier that day. And one other time since I had been in Thailand.
My teammate and I were walking down the street one night and I heard Holy spirit tell me to go and tell the woman who was walking in front of me that God was so sorry about what happened to her in high school and that He wanted to heal her from that experience.
WHY GOD?!
I said, “God, no. Just no. It’s late and I’m tired. And what if she punches me in the face?! Who would say that to a stranger?! I’m not doing that.” And I kept on walking.
We had a time set out during the Awakening specifically for evangelism. I was even on the evangelism team because it’s something I’ve actually become passionate about this year. My team and I were walking on the street and I saw a man with an injured foot. He was limping and had a wrap around it. Holy Spirit said, “Go heal his foot.”
I didn’t even think twice about walking by him without even making eye contact or even saying hello.
I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a room full of 100 people and had a speaker say something that you know is just for you, but it’s a strange feeling. Man, did I want to run away. Far, far away from that room and hide in my shame and guilt. In that moment, I felt like the most selfish human to ever live.
But the Lord met me in that moment and said, “Don’t you dare try to pick up shame and wear it around like that old sweater you love. Put it down. This is exactly what I died for.”
Andrew started leading people into repentance. He was in tears as the majority of the racers in the room stood up and said they wanted to repent from that same thing.
That night, I told the Lord that I was so sorry for being disobedient. For letting Him down that way. And I made a promise to Him alongside my brothers and sisters that I would never do it again. That I would throw my fear of man out the door. That I would walk in humility and selflessness and never keep Him to myself again.
You know what I think?
I think that it’s never too late to say sorry to God.
I don’t even think that saying sorry to Him is required for forgiveness. But I do believe it’s required for sanctification and deeper intimacy with the Father.
Your relationship with the Father is just like any other relationship. If you want it to go deeper. If you want to know Him more, trust Him more. If you want Him to trust you. You don’t just slap Him in the face and walk away, pretending like nothing ever happened and expecting Him to be okay with it. You go to Him. You have the hard conversations because you love Him. You say sorry when you mess up, because He deserves nothing less.
It’s not easy to humble yourself and get on your knees before God and say, “I messed up and I’m sorry.”
It’s never easy to do that.
I don’t know why God is the hardest person for me to apologize to. It really should be the opposite. My soul really does have amnesia (see past blog). Every time I bring my disobedience and rebellion to the Father, I’m immediately met with grace and mercy. He’s forgiven me before I even say a word.
Every. Single. Time.
One of my biggest fears is that a newspaper headline in Heaven will read, “Abby messed up again; God not surprised.”
I know.
I. FLIPPIN’. KNOW.
This seems totally irrational, right? My fear of rejection and being a disappointment really get to me when I feel like I messed up.
Here’s the thing.
Me thinking that my mess up is too big for God to forgive is me saying, “Jesus, your blood isn’t enough.”
That’s such a lie from the pit of hell. And today, I’m sending it back there for good.
Jesus, today and every day your blood is enough for me. I value our relationship enough to say sorry to you when I mess up and to fight for who I know you are. You are forgiveness given, mercy poured out. An ocean of grace. I trust you.
Here’s a challenge for you.
When you mess up, accept God’s grace. Don’t fight the grace that He gives so freely. When you mess up, say sorry, but don’t believe for a second that He is gonna love you any more/less after you do.
Y’all.
We have such a good Father, don’t we?
