One year ago, this month, my heart was broken in pieces. I was engaged to be married and suddenly it was over. Just like that my world was spun upside down and every other way (so I thought). To be honest, I was mad at God and I had a deep bitterness in my heart towards other people.
Flash forward to this moment right now, I’m sitting in a coffee shop in Swaziland with my headphones plugged in listening to “Pieces” by Amanda Cook. There’s a part in this song that says, “Your love’s not a spark. It’s not just a flame. Your love is a light and all the world will see. You don’t give your heart in pieces. Your love’s not insecure. Your love is not selfish. You don’t give your heart in pieces.” Looking back on this year I would like to say I did everything the Godly way, but my selfish ambitions caused me to lose sight of what the Lord really wanted from me. My devotion. My complete heart. My eyes to be fixed on Him. It’s a process that has unraveled me in the past two months. God is taking the deepest, darkest, and hardest pains inside of me and turning them into a beautiful, ever growing man of God. Processing hardships is somewhat difficult for me because I like to bottle things up and shove it under the rug in hopes to never think about it again. When you’re in the bush of Swaziland though, God has a way of pulling those faults out and reestablishing your heart to make you question if He didn’t give His heart in pieces to me then why should I?
Again, as I look back on this year, I’m not the same man I was. With that there’s still so much more room for growth in my soul and I can’t wait to see how He shapes me in this life. I want the World Race to become a lifestyle I live past these next ten months. I repeat this powerful passage over myself daily,
“See Colossians 3:1-17”
Burning trash has become a regular routine for me on the Race. You take all of it (even the poop filled toilet paper wads) and you throw in the burn pile and light it on fire. Sometimes it takes two matches, on a good day, but most of the time you go through several more because of how wet the trash becomes. But it has never failed that we eventually get the trash to ignite no matter how many matches we go through. During our time in Swazi Kevin, Jake, and I loved taking the trash out because it meant we could get away for a few minutes and enjoy some quiet. Living with 25 other people in such close quarters can sometimes be a bit overwhelming, but nonetheless fun. It’s been 20 girls and 6 guys. If I’ve learned one thing from my new sisters it’s how to love my future wife the way Christ loves the church. They’ve taught me a lot about stewardship and patience. Back to the trash, one night in particular my team and I reluctantly decided to all go to the trash pile to burn it together. This was a special night because it commemorated our Valentine’s Day celebration. I decided to write a list of everyone I wanted to apologize to and forgive from my previous situation stated above. As I threw that list into the fire, after several missed tries, I watched as it went up in flames. It may not mean much to you, but the symbolism behind that lifted a huge weight I had been carrying for a year. I encourage you to do that as well because it’s so freeing and I believe the Lord healed a lot of wounds I had bottled up for a while.
So to my future wife,
I love Jesus. He’s my rock. He’s my shepherd. He comforts me. He is who I’m dependent on. He has my heart and I want Him to have your heart too. He loves you more than I ever could and I’m perfectly satisfied with that. When and where our eyes are fixed on Him then that’s the moment we’ll run into each other. But for now, I’m content and so are you. Loving Him is worth it all. He’s my first love and nothing will ever replace Him.
Swaziland, you hold a special place in my heart. Maybe one day we’ll meet again soon but for now I pray that God will totally wreck your communities, your locals, and your king.
Sincerely,
Tim
