If you are a good friend of mine, someone who I’ve led, or someone who has led me, you are probably smiling and shaking your head at the title alone. You know that this is a lesson that has been a long time coming. You know that I value and preach vulnerability, but am not the best at really practicing this myself in it’s fullness. But rest assured, this stubborn heart is starting to really dig deeper into the lesson of vulnerability and the Lord is breaking down walls.
Vulnerability: /n/ the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness. It involves showing up and asking to be seen, exposing fears and struggles, letting others into the secret that you actually don’t always have it together, allowing yourself to feel your emotions, risking rejection and hard conversations. It also involves freedom, the ability for others to say “me too”, lessons, and true, authentic relationships. The thought that vulnerability is a weakness is a myth that we buy into. In reality, vulnerability takes courage. It is one of the strongest things you can do and it is what makes your story beautiful and is where you will meet true joy. Sharing your vulnerability will help you connect to others and to give opportunities for you to do the best ministry.
The race is not the first time that I’ve struggled with vulnerability nor will it be the last. It’s not the first time that I’ve had people speak into this struggle and it isn’t the first time that the Lord and I have wrestled in this area. It’s actually an area that the Lord has brought me a long way in, but he’s been showing me that it’s it’s not the time to say “well enough.” It’s time to dig deeper and peel off even more layers.
I am great at walking with others through their feelings. Meeting them where they are and encouraging them to share their “messy.” I listen and share perspective/experience when needed. I can share with them the value of letting others in and I truly believe in the power of that. The Lord has worked in me in sharing struggles that I’ve gone through and lessons that I’ve learned. I don’t have a problem sharing with people things that I’ve wrestled with or had to trust the Lord in. That is, I don’t mind sharing it once it’s wrapped up neatly. Once its been figured out and I feel like there’s closure and I’ve moved past it. It’s when I’m in the midst of things or when I don’t fully understand that I struggle in letting others into the process. I don’t want to share with them the mess that is often my mind or heart. I don’t want to share what I don’t even have figured out. But the problem is, that’s when it’s the most beneficial to invite someone in. To have a community that loves you and that can offer affirmation and perspective. That can pray with you and do life alongside you.
I am an internal processor that overthinks and analyzes more than I should. Before I come to you to process something or to have a hard conversation, chances are that I’ve spent hours thinking about it. I give tons of grace and patience to the people around me, but struggle to give that to myself. I don’t always see the value and worth in what I have to say, so I usually won’t go out of my way to ask others into things as I don’t want to “inconvenience” them. But I’m learning…the Lord has grace upon grace and is teaching me how to do this. It’s one of the many things that he’s been speaking to me about this month.
At the end of last month, I was at our debrief and was in a really weird place. I couldn’t put my finger on it but I felt off. There was a lot of information and lessons to process, changes that were happening, and the Lord was speaking to me in multiple different ways. This was overwhelming and some of the things were not the easiest things to process so I pushed them to the side. I pushed aside feelings that I didn’t want to feel and told myself to “get over yourself” and to “get a grip.” I knew that I wanted more with the Lord and wasn’t sure what that would look like. I knew that he had promised that this next season may be hard and I was trying to also prepare for that. I had had a one one one with one of our squad leaders that involved conversation about believing what the Lord says about me and that built on to other things that I was pushing to the side and brought me to tears, which I quickly tried to brush away. It all came to a boiling point when I sat down with one of our other squad leaders and about lost it at giving the answer to the simple question of “so…how are you?” All of the things that I hadn’t really thought about or talked to anyone about kind of came flooding out, and not being an external processor, I’m sure made no sense. It took everything in me to not say “never mind…I’ll come back later when I have these things contained in nice presentable package.” She had taken time to really invest in me the past few months and reads me well, so she was gracious and patient in listening and then repeated my thoughts back to me in a way that made more sense. She recommended taking more time for myself to really process.
The Lord used those moments to really jump start the focus of this month. I had a lot of time to spend with him to process through things this month. To really unpack what was in my mind and heart and to really dive into that with him. The conversations with the squad leaders brought up things that I hadn’t consciously realized that I was just shuffling to the side. I had spent the past few months growing in different areas but in other areas, I’d throw things to the side to deal with later and then I never would. I picture it like a box that I keep stuffing things in and eventually you can’t stuff anything else in. I’d avoid those things by completing tasks and in investing in others and in helping them process. I was trying so hard to figure out things myself and wouldn’t invite anyone else in- even the Lord in some areas. I wasn’t being completely vulnerable with those around me or in my quiet times with the Lord. I wasn’t allowing myself to really feel or to ask the hard questions.
The last few weeks, I’ve been able to express some of the thing that I’ve been processing with a teammate. The Lord has been showing me that there’s power in doing that. That I need to get out of my own head. That sometimes for me to fully realize and walk into a lesson, I need to speak it out loud to fully understand and to gain affirmation and perspective. He’s been teaching me that it’s okay to cry and that it’s okay to let others see that (I HATE crying in front of people and will do everything I can to avoid it). While he knows that I’m not necessarily ready to dive into this with just anyone, he’s provided a handful of people that have been a safe space to venture out into this with. People that will see me tear up at a small statement that touches the tender part of my heart that the Lord has been working on and will tease me like sisters…allowing me to laugh and feel comfortable in that moment and to speak truth at the same time. People that will listen and know the questions to ask- that will push me to actually express what I’m thinking and that aren’t afraid to challenge me.
All that to say, I’ve had a lot on my mind this month and I wanted to share it with you all that are journeying with me. Too often, I give you just glimpses of this year and only after I have a tidy lesson and moral of the story to offer. This is something that I by no means have figured out yet. There’s more the Lord has for me to process and that’s going to take some time. But he’s started the process. Walls have come down…some only chipped, others are crumbling. I’m learning to allow others into my mind, to trust them with my story, to risk sharing dreams and fears, to allowing them into my journey. I’m learning this with the people around me and with the Lord. I’m learning to ask him the hard questions. To really tell him how I feel. To sit and wait. I’m realizing that I don’t have to have it all figured out and that much of the weight and pressure I tend to feel are expectations that the Lord does not have for me. That I can trust what he says and who he is. This is just the beginning of what promises to be a challenging season and one that I’ve just begun to take baby steps in. One that may be hard but is what I need. One that breaks me down and builds me up. One that may be messy, but in the most beautiful of ways.
I want to invite you into this journey through giving you permission to ask me the hard questions. Join me in prayer for this next season, that these things will no longer sit in a box but will be sorted through and used for the glory of the Lord.
I also want to encourage you. Do you have people that surround you that you can be completely open with? That will walk with you through your “messy”? Are you willing to allow them to? If not, I encourage you to start with one person. Learn to ask for what you need. Find that one person that you can go to do “dump” your thoughts when you need to. That will really listen and that will guide you back to the Lord. That will love you at your messiest. Be real with them. Be real with the Lord. I think that you’ll find that it’s in those moments that you’ll feel the most loved, the most whole, and the most acceptance.
Thanks to you all, I am FULLY FUNDED! Your support has been phenomenal and I would not be having these experiences without YOU! However,there are still plenty of opportunities and need to help support me with misc. personal living expenses and funds for me to use to bless the ministries and people I’m working with. The race has proven to require more personal funds than I had intended for ministry wardrobe purchases, equipment, food, and in being able to bless others. Pray about how and if the Lord would have you partner with me in this way! If you are interested in helping me with this, send me a message or you can donate through https://www.paypal.me/SylviaBarrett.
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