I should be mad at God. Most people would tell me to be mad at God; most people would think it justified for me to be mad at God.
But I’m not.
Who are we to question the mind of the Almighty? Who are we to say to God that His ways aren’t just and that He should have done something different? I wish He would have done something different, but His plan is perfect and He is good. God is good. But this still hurts.
My cousin Chase died on Friday. He’s been battling against cancer for three years. It’s been a long three years. Cancer is pure evil.
But God still uses it for good.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28
Somehow, God uses all the bad things in this life for our good, for His perfect plan. He has it all under control and we just have to trust Him. It’s hard trusting Him while not seeing the good in situations; it’s hard when it feels like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders, but God is working for our good. This pain is temporary, even if it seems like the ache will never go away. Sometimes you have to go through the darkness to be able to truly see the light. How could you know the goodness of the light if you hadn’t first been in darkness?
I don’t know how. I don’t know how God has used Chase’s cancer for good, and it is quite possible that I will never know, but I know He has. God doesn’t always reveal everything to us, and why should He? Why should God explain anything to us? We are nothing.
Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales; he weighs the islands as though they were fine dust.
Before him all the nations are as nothing; they are regarded by him as worthless and less than nothing.
Isaiah 40:15; 17
We are literally less than nothing when compared to our creator. I don’t know why we always feel so entitled. I don’t know why we think we can demand things of God, why we think we deserve answers. We are just itty bitty ants on this big ball of dirt that God could just flick into outer space to be lost to the universe whenever we question, doubt, or wrong Him, but He loves us. He died for us.
Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
John 15:13
God loves us. I think that phrase loses its meaning sometimes. The creator of the universe, the all powerful being up in the sky, cares for and loves us humans in all of our messes, mistakes, wars, hatred, and all the other problems we have. God loves us. He just wants us to love Him back. He watches out for us, He guides us, and He never gives up on us. He knows that some of us will never love Him back, but that didn’t stop Him from dying for them anyway. He knows that those of us who do love Him are never going to have perfect love for Him. We’re still going to turn our backs on Him from time to time and indulge in sins, but that still doesn’t stop Him. There is no stopping our Savior from loving us. There is no stopping our God from working for our good.
Oh, the depth of the riches of the wisdom and knowledge of God!
How unsearchable his judgments, and his paths beyond tracing out!
Who has known the mind of the Lord?
Or who has been his counselor?
Who has ever given to God, that God should repay them?
For from Him and through Him and for Him are all things.
To Him be the glory forever! Amen.
Romans 11:33-36
We cannot understand the mind of God. He has not given us the brain capacity to do so. God has this perfect plan and the universe operates under a beautiful dance orchestrated by Him. God has never come to us for help, but we come running to Him in our time of need. God doesn’t need help. He doesn’t have problems; He is perfect.
I could question God. I could stomp my foot and scream and try to demand He tell me why He took Chase away from us, why Chase had to suffer for three years. But what good would that do? God will tell me when it is time for me to know. Whether that is while I’m still on earth or if it’s when I’m in heaven I know not, but I know better than to try to question God.
Job had it pretty bad there for a while. His life pretty much sucked. After getting some crappy advice from his friends and waiting around for days and days and days, Job finally questioned God. He asked God why. Why did he have to endure these hardships? Why him? What had he done to deserve it?
Then the Lord spoke to Job out of the storm. He said:
“Who is this that obscures my plans with words with our knowledge? Brace yourself like a man; I will question you, and you shall answer me. Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation? Tell me, if you understand. Who marked off its dimensions? Surely you know!
Job 38:1-5
God literally says to Job, “Who are you to question my ways?” God gets sassy too. Look at that sarcasm: “Surely you know!” God wasn’t playing around. He goes on for 124 more verses asking Job who he thinks he is. Can you imagine how Job most have felt after that? Just think about God saying that to you. What a humbling experience. At the end of God’s speech, Job apologizes and even goes as far as to say he despises himself. I think Job learned His lesson about questioning God.
“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9
I don’t want to question God. I wish I knew the answers, but it’s not time for me to have that knowledge. It hurts. It’s hard being here in the Philippines and not being able to attend the funeral. It’s hard grieving alone. My friends here are great and supportive, but it’s not the same as grieving with people who are going through the same thing. It’s hard not being with my family in our time of need. But it will get better.
I’m in the meantime. A wise woman once said “You’re in the meantime. You’re not where you’re going and you’re not where you’ve been.” (Thank you Cori Anne Laemmel). I’m not where I’m going. I’m heading down the path that leads to healing, my heart aches, but it will get better. I’m not where I was when Chase was still with us. This has been a long time coming, and it has hurt the whole time, but this pain is new. It’s a different kind of hurt, it goes deeper, it lasts longer, it’s harder to be happy. I’m stuck here in the meantime. I asked my mom how I get over this, how I move on from this and make it stop hurting, and she simply said, “It just takes time. This is one of those things only time can heal.” So that’s where I’m at. I’ll get there eventually, but until then I’ll be here, waiting, in the meantime.
