It was another beautiful day in the place between the two villages of Mulala and Samson. The sun shone brightly on the green grass and the foliage, and the clouds glided through the air above with ease. I found myself sitting on the rough ground with my Zambian brother, Charles, after a team and staff devotional on the crosses we bear. The passage covered during our time in the Word was Luke 14:26-35, or “The Cost of Discipleship”. It contained a message that hit home for everyone, it seemed. It certainly did hit me pretty hard. We were asked by Joshua (who led the devotional) to pair off with someone in the group to talk about our struggles and pray for each other. That was why I was sitting with Charles in that moment. I looked into Charles’ eyes and I asked him, “What are your struggles?”
In recent months I have struggled with feelings of loneliness and that I am seemingly the odd one out in the group. I took that to mean it was time to learn dependence on the Lord, an important habit to learn anyway. After a month of that journey I thought I was doing a good job, but there were still times I struggled. I then realized that it hadn’t just been a recent struggle, but those lonely feelings have plagued me off and on the whole Race. I also then realized that it has plagued me since I was back in the States, all through high school.
I was learning dependence in this season, but it didn’t seem to shake those feelings of isolation and non-acceptance. I knew there was no case for feeling that way, because I was on, and am on, a team of brothers who look out and care for each other. What could it be?
Well, that morning before the devotional, I took those feelings to the Lord. He spoke to me and confirmed that it was not necessary to feel that way. It also became evident what the cause of all the feelings was; lust. It had been a struggle for a long time. I dabbled in pornography all through high school. While I have been porn-free for a while now, the thoughts of it were still present. It has been a constant battle of holding thoughts captive and praying daily for strength. Sometimes I’m not strong, and I let those thoughts in. I then figured out that that was why I struggled with loneliness and isolation. I was doing it to myself! I let it in and it isolated me. I felt so horrible about it that I became too sensitive and closed off. I also didn’t let the Lord in on it too much. I relied too much on myself to make a difference, and would get super discouraged when I fell. Anywho, Jesus shed some light on it! I rejoiced at the realization! I wasn’t fighting hard enough! That had to change! I was done! I prayed for Christ’s light to shine through the darkness of my mind.
Charles immediately opened up about what crosses he has to bear. One was patience in the answering of prayer (I think we can relate). Another was a fear to speak up or stand up in some situations (also can relate). Finally he said that lust was an ever-present cross in his life. I shared my bit, with the emphasis on lust, and then we held hands and prayed for each other. Throughout our praying I felt a joy and a peace overcome me. Light shone in the darkness. I almost began tearing up. I was sitting under a tree on a beautiful day holding hands with my Zambian brother whose cross was the same as mine, praying for life and peace. After we both said our amen, he asked me how I felt. I felt great to be honest! I held back a bit in my answer though. When I asked Charles how he felt, he smiled and said, “I feel like I can carry on, and that I will have the strength to never have those thoughts or struggle with them again. God is good!”
I admitted that I felt about the same, just reluctant to say so. I knew the weight of my past no longer had a hold of me, and that I was forgiven for all the times I had fallen. What resulted was the best day on the World Race so far! I found freedom, joy, and peace! It marked the beginning of my new dawn! Amen!
