My first blog was easy to write. The words flowed out of my heart onto the paper. I have tried to write a second blog over and over and…over again. But, the words never seem to work to me. I could blame it on being busy and stressed. The phrase “I have no time to focus on a blog, and when I do have time I am too tired to think,” honestly, is an accurate excuse and how I have felt for most of the past two weeks. But, if I am really being honest here, it’s because
I am afraid.
Which stresses me out and causes me to feel shameful and as if I need to hide.
Nonetheless, I promised myself I would do my best to be honest on here. In my depths, I don’t want to hide. Hiding is probably the worst thing for me to do. When I hide myself, I allow the fear to take root in my heart and subconsciously control me. Every move I make becomes one of fear, whether I realize it or not. So, as I step into the light, here is what I see.
I am afraid
that I won’t end up going on World Race at all. That I will chicken out and never chase this dream.
that everyone thinks this it is a bad idea for me to do this and are only being supportive because they want to be nice.
that people think I’m conceited and that I think I have it all together or that I am better than everyone else because I am doing World Race.
that I won’t be able to raise the amount needed to go and so I won’t. Then I’ll be stuck back in the rut of trying to figure out what to do with my life.
These things, these thoughts, these doubts and insecurities, they surround me. They make me want to shrink back into bed and not come out until it’s all over. But, no.
I refuse to be consumed by fear. I keep telling myself, “I can’t. But, He can.” So, yes the fear is present. But, so is God. What feels like a long time ago, God taught me that I have control over my fear and my thoughts. No matter what I go through I have a choice on my outlook on the situation. I have not been given a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. My mind IS sound, and perfect love casts out fear. The word used for sound mind literally means “safe thinking.” So, no matter how surrounded by fear, doubt, and insecurity I become, my mind is safe. It is my choice what I do with the fear. I can turn it into motivation and surrender it to God. Or I can let it consume me completely.
Today I choose to surrender. And to be honest.
It by no means makes me perfect. Like I said, the fear is still present. Some days I am going to fight it better than others. Often it feels like my insecurities may never go away. Nonetheless, here I am. In the light. In my mess. Hoping in God for the peace I long for and trusting Him to be with me always.
