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I got on the public bus that afternoon in an emotional frenzy.
Caleb let me sit in the inside seat next to him on the bus. I know it was awkward to take the empty seat next to him as if there was no other space on the bus, but I felt more protected.
It’s been cool spending some time with Caleb on this double team. I’ve gotten to see and know him a lot more and appreciate his character. I’ve seen him love the kids, think deeply, serve the team whole heartedly, and go after God as if, not only his, but all our lives depend on it.
I’m not sure if Caleb is a feeler or just perceptive, but he started chatting with me and I told him what had just happened. He said that he couldn’t imagine having to experience that or the emotion that came with it. He also added that he didn’t think he wanted to do children’s ministry for a job…ever…, but otherwise couldn’t find much to say.
We sat there for a little bit more and then he asked me “I heard you are reading Perfect Presence.” I told him that I was kind of reading it. The timing hadn’t been right for me to read it because I was just reading the words and most of it wasn’t getting through right now. He said that he lived life looking for God in everything and I agreed. “I’ve never read a book, like Present Presence, about it though.” Caleb had issued an unspoken challenge to me in that moment. I started to cry as I tried to heed his challenge to find God “in the parts that suck”, as Caleb described it.
“Did I really just get violated by an eight year old boy? Why did I let it happen? But what was I supposed to do? Punch him in the nose and black his eye? Are missionaries allowed to do that?”
We decided to do yoga and do a meditation lesson when we got home, but otherwise we didn’t speak the rest of the ride. I tried and I tried and I tried to find God in it, but I heard nothing.
It was quiet.
Eager to get home, we got off the bus and I started quickly treading up the hill. I immediately went to our room, found my headphones, put on worship music, closed my eyes and cried. “City of hope”… “Mercy”… every time I tried to sing, I began to cry. “I surrender” came on and I pushed out the words out of my mouth through my tears.
“I surrender, I surrender, I want to know You more, I want to know You more… like a rushing wind, Jesus breathe within, Lord have your way, Lord have your way, in me! Like a mighty storm, stir within my soul, Lord have you way, Lord have your way, in me!” It felt like a cleansing and healing of my wounds.
I did yoga with Caleb and a couple other people and next my meditation lesson with Caleb.
Still I thought, with no revelation, “where is God in all this?”
Later that night I still felt dirty, like I needed to talk about it, like I needed to get it out. I didn’t know who to talk to so I talked to no one. We have great acoustics in our stairwell so I turned on my worship music and sang again. Regardgless of all the emotion swimming around inside me, I couldn’t get Caleb’s challenge out of my mind. I tried, again, to find God in all this…
“Now there was no holding back as hot tears poured down his face and between sobs Mack began to confess. “Papa,” he cried, “how can I ever forgive that son of a bitch who killed my Missy. If he were here today, I don’t know what I would do. I know it isn’t right, but I want him to hurt like he hurt me . . . if I can’t get justice, I still want revenge.”
Excerpt From: William P. Young. “The Shack.”
Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.”
