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The devil ensares me with the lie that I am alone and will always be alone.
I have spent a lot of the Race trying to be open to new experiences and new ideas. I am the oldest Racer on our squad and I didn’t want to be the old dog that couldn’t learn new tricks. So I opened myself to pretty much anything.
“Keep vigilant watch over your heart; that’s where life starts.”
Proverbs 4:23 MSG
And to be honest, I did not think much about it. I did not think that wanting to experience as much as possible would, or could, be a bad thing. I did not think that putting aside some of the things I had already learned about myself was the same as not guarding my heart.
As I’ve entered these last months of the Race in Europe, I have experienced and gotten to know more people than ever, but I’ve also never felt so alone in my life. “How am I always so lonesome when there are always people around?”
Right before I left on the Race I realized that I am an Introvert. Most people who meet me would believe the opposite because I am welcoming and open to new people. But being an introvert is not about being shy or hiding from people; instead its about where you get your energy. An introvert is a person who is energized by alone time while an extrovert is reinvigorated by spending time with other people. Even though it is good to understand these generalizations about people, don’t get caught up on them. It is more important to get to know the person because all of us are truly both introverted and extroverted depending on the situation. The categorization is simply starting point to understanding a person.
So I am energized with alone time and until the Race I never knew how much I needed or even what I needed from that alone time.
Thank you God for knowing me better than I know myself and having your Spirit reveal Truth to me.
Month 8 I hit a low point and I couldn’t figure out how I got there and why I was there or how I could get out. Most Racers go through this, but that didn’t comfort me. I just didn’t want to feel this way anymore. I felt mentally tired, worn out, and, as I said before, lonely. I struggled very much to articulate what I was feeling and had no idea how my team could support me. My team could feel my distance, but with no idea what to do, they seemingly resorted to giving me space and walking on eggshells around me.
I felt even lonelier and there seemed to be nothing I could do about it.
We had a debrief in Budapest that allowed me some free time and time to myself. The first day was hard and I sat thinking “I need someone to talk to about this.” God brought a former Racer to mind and I messaged her. She talked me through a good bit of how I was feeling and encouraged me where I was. She suggested I try again to find the words to express to the people around me what was going on and also suggested I do some major recharging.
That first day I spent a lot of it crying as a way to let out all my emotional tension; emotional tension that I didn’t even realize I had. In our team debrief, the Spirit guided and helped me share with my team how I was feeling. It was far from eloquent, but it was out there. And then I sat and thought about the fun things I missed from life at home.
I missed being able to read the labels of packages at the grocery store. I missed being able to take a walk without the 2 person rule. I missed doing foodie adventures with my BFF. I missed the stability of some kind of routine in my daily activities. I missed my church and the community I had there. I missed some of the normalcy.
Out of all these things I missed, still I could honestly say I would never give up my experiences that I have had on the Race. So why am I here; why am I still in this trap of loneliness?
I helped my team understand that even though I get energy from alone time, I am also revitalized when I get quality time with each of them. It’s not that I don’t love people because I do, but I hate big crowds where our time together is wide rather than deep. I am a person that values quality time, not quantity time. I started seeking out my team on friend dates.
I felt some of the loneliness fade…
I made intention to “let my hair down”. I watched a movie in bed alone. I got ice cream. I went on a friend date to eat, my favorite thing to do! And when it was time to be with the group I was present and enjoyed the time I had with them knowing I wouldn’t get these moments back. I let go of feeling guilty that I needed time away from them so that I could have quality time with them when we did come together.
I felt some of the loneliness fade…
We’ve been talking about topics in our team time and my teammate said something so perceptive and so profound. He realized about his mother that even though she was an introvert, she didn’t want to be alone. Before we had this conversation I wasn’t able to put that into words. The Spirit showed me ways that He and my team have been loving me the whole time and spoke Truth into the lies that the devil was trying to trap me in.
I felt the loneliness fade…
The devil tries to ensnare us with lies. The lie that he tells me is that I am too much, my personality is abrasive, and that people will only love me on my good days.
God tells me “I made you perfect in Me and I made you good. I created you and I have never left you. I love you on your “good” days and I love you on your “bad” days. I loved you before you knew me and gave my Son for you even when you hurt me. My love is unconditional.”
I realized the biggest thing I missed was the quiet times I had in the morning laying in my bed, looking out my window and talking to Him.
The loneliness was gone.
In my effort to experience all that was around me my relationship with God had drifted apart and the quality time I needed with the most important person in my life had fallen to the waste side. By not having my quality time with God I had stopped guarding my heart and had allowed it to become bruised. Patiently He has waited for me to stop worrying about how I get energy and walking back and forth past Him looking for external fillers. Patiently He has waited for me to stop looking and turn around and see Him smiling with His hand out ready to give me everything that I need.
So I confess that while I am an introvert and I need time to myself, I also cannot live without community. Community is God’s creation and a link to Him. And while that is important, I confess, most importantly, that I can’t live without Him. I can’t live without you God. You know me better than I know myself and your love fills me in ways that I will never understand. I confess that I struggle to maintain my relationship with you and I repent for my sin nature. But I also thank You for Your unending and unconditional love that you freely pour out to me. Help me to always acknowledge and accept your love. Get me out of my own way; don’t let me be my biggest enemy. Thank you for Your gospel.
Jesus said, “Everyone who drinks this water will get thirsty again and again. Anyone who drinks the water I give will never thirst—not ever. The water I give will be an artesian spring within, gushing fountains of endless life.
John 4:13-14 MSG
