Coaching at RashidatO.com | Social Activism at Whereveryougolove.com
IG: @RashidatO_ FB: @WhereverYouGoLove.com
I wrote this post back on November 29, but I hadn’t shared it. Here it goes…
I’m sitting on a sleeper train leaving Chiang Mai, Thailand; smelling the manure, watching the beauty of banana leaves, trees, mountains and beautiful landscape pass me by. As I smile, I think to myself…this is my life and the words “if I’m honest” radiate in my ears as Francesca Battistelli sings.
“I never want to go back.”
I’d rather live place to place, traveling on a train, plane, bus, or trike living on less than $5 worth of food a day, not being sure where I’ll lay my head, traveling around the world making friends with anyone who will accept me and living a life of adventure with Jesus rather than even considering going back to my American Dream.
I’m 32 years old. I’m at a different stage in life than most of the people on my squad. I’ve had what most people would put on their check list as the American Dream. I’m not patting myself on the back when I say “I somehow have pulled myself up by my bootstraps”. I’m just saying that in the eyes of some I have achieved all that I need to achieve.
I grew up in my childhood house until I was 17 years old. I remember my mother refusing to increase the heat passed 68 degrees.
“If you are cold, you need to put some more clothes on!”
“But Ma! I’m already fully dressed.”
“Another layer wouldn’t hurt”.
I remember layering 3 or so blankets on my bed as I slept and laying all my clothes over the tile floor to keep from stepping on the cold floor. One time I lost my key in that mess and it took me a month to find it! Yes, I had a key to the house starting around 6ish years old. My mom was a single parent so responsibility started early for me. Taking care of children, cooking, cleaning, working, taking care of house and home without much help started early for me, but the silver lining is that I learned early to fend for myself and work for what I needed and wanted.
I remember in high school realizing that college was my way out; my way to do more, to be more, to see more. I got a Bachelor of Science in Fashion Design with a minor in Business Administration. To put it lightly, I was an overachiever because going back was the alternative. I graduated college. It took me all summer to find a job since I did not want to stay in the city where I went to college. At 22 years old I took my first non-intern position at a corporate company. I made $32K later to find that I had under negotiated myself by $8K. I had a boyfriend that had good intentions and a lot of issues. I had an unfulfilling job in the south where daily I battled racisim and bigotry crying as I sat at my desk desperate to get out. After 2 interviews, I could serve a thick piece of the desperation I felt on a beautiful plate.
I remember thinking that I must not have the American Dream right yet. When I arrived back in Charlotte, NC after my third interview I made a pact with myself… if I was miserable, I would make everyone at the company miserable until I was released from my contract to stay. I was ready to fight. After 3 interviews I refused to put all eggs in one bag. I didn’t believe that relief was coming. Five days later the battle ended with an exit that could only be orchestrated by God.
I remember thinking “I never expected this company to hire me. They are not known for diversity in any way. But it will be great to work with young professionals rather than these old white geezers. Maybe the young ones will be better. And not only that, the young ones financially appreciate their employees much better! I don’t have to do my own relocation, they are paying for the taxes on the relocation so I won’t owe the government like I did for this company, and not only are they equalizing my salary, they are exceeding it.” Needless to say I accepted the job offer.
I remember moving to Columbus, Ohio and stepping foot in the new condo I just bought thinking “I think I have the American Dream right this time”. But as the recession continued, the pressures of work grew in intensity. It was much better, but on the day I was laid off from my job I realized I still did not have the American Dream right. So I sold most of my possessions, put my condo on the market, packed up my dogs and moved myself to Los Angeles California with the intent of starting a new career as a dog walker so that I could spend plenty of time with my pups, work at walmart so that I could buy their supplies and clothes at a discount, and work at McDonalds so that I could eat and live on the minimum wage salary I expected to receive in the midst of a recession.
I remember starting a freelance position 3 days after arriving in LA. It’s weird to say I was disappointed for being blessed with the job. I now realize that in some ways I was looking forward to the abandonment that hadn’t occurred. But I was blessed with a place to live and decent job. I liked LA; I learned to Chicago Style step, I never had winter, and I had the freedom to move to another job without moving to another city.
I remember feeling lonely on the West Coast, though. I went on vacation to Aruba with my sister and mother and enjoyed every second with them. I has been the best vacation to date! And I realized I like LA, but I still needed more. I still didn’t have the American Dream. I clearly remember God telling me to move back to my hometown of Pittsburgh, PA. I think I dropped my spiritual phone when I heard that, not because I heard from God, but because of the direction He gave me. See, at this point my life was that of a lukewarm Christian, if that, but God has never left me. I know that God has been with me the whole time, but WHY PITTSBURGH?
I remember thinking I’ll go there because God told me to and because I really want the community of my family right now, but I ain’t staying there forever! So I prepared to move home. I did a 2 and a half week long rode trip back to Pittsburgh where I stopped to see friends and family on the way.
I remember getting closer to the Atlanta Metropolitan area and feeling… home. The trees were changing colors to beautiful hues of deep red, yellow, orange and brown for the fall season. I planned to stay in Atlanta for about 4 days, but left after 2 days “because if I stayed any longer I wouldn’t make it to Pittsburgh”.
I remember unpacking in my new attic bedroom in my sister’s house thinking “why here, Lord?”. It was great to be with my family and surprisingly I met a guy in Pittsburgh, of all places. I should have known better… His job transferred him to Atlanta and because I felt like God had already told me I was going to Atlanta, I begged in my prayers that this would be the time I would move to Atlanta. I pray begged and pray begged and I heard Him say “Go ahead. You know I told you to wait, but your hard headed behind can learn this the hard way”. This is the first time I felt God “pluck me in the head”. But I went and I did learn the hard way. It took me about 9 months to find a career position in Atlanta.
I remember thinking that in hindsight I should have just stayed put. During this time my relationship with the guy that I thought I would spend the rest of my life with just wasn’t working. I was in such a low place that I excused all the hurt and ill feelings I had for the “church” because I needed to be closer to Him than ever before. Why was the “American Dream” slipping away from me again?
I remember that after a couple weeks of going to church I was riding in my car. As I drove a thought crossed my mind…
“I’ve spent the last 28 years doing life my way and it has got me no closer to where I want to be. I’m ready to do it your way”.
This was the day I truly surrendered my life to Christ. See at the young age of 6, I gave my life to Christ. I said the prayer and repented my sins, but it all died after that.
*“Listen! A farmer went out to sow seed. While he was scattering the seed, some of it fell by the road. The birds came and ate all that seed. Other seed fell on rocky ground, where there was not enough dirt. It grew quickly there because the soil was not deep. But then the sun rose and the plants were burned. They died because they did not have deep roots. Some other seed fell among thorny weeds. The weeds grew and stopped the good plants from growing. So they did not make grain. But some of the seed fell on good ground. There it began to grow, and it made grain. Some plants made 30 times more grain, some 60 times more, and some 100 times more.”];
??Mark? ?4:3-8? ?ERV??*.
I could debate the type of ground that I am, but the important part is that I was not the “good ground”. But this time was different. God has been pursuing me all my life. And I’m thankful. I finally realize that I don’t need an American Dream. All I need is Him. If I pursue Him with my whole heart He will provide any other desires of my heart, but I have to know that no desire of my heart matters more than a life with Him.
As my life started to change and evolve to look like the model shown in the Bible, the model that Jesus lived, I remember the feeling of opening my hands to release all that I thought was my identity, all that I thought I wanted, all that I thought I needed. Instead I only wanted to live life as He sees fit. I immediately realized that I had to learn what that looks like. But our God is so great! Of course He had me right where He wanted me.
I remember walking in Victory World Church and knowing that “God is here”. I remember sitting in church saying “this is different than what I’ve known as church, but in a good way”. I remember thinking “yes, this is finally it”.
I never knew it before, but it was the beginning of the amazing, loving, peaceful, kind, adventurous, fun, and free life that I have always dreamed of. Not the American Dream, but the living the dream, the adventurous life of Christ.
