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I have been reading a book called the Secret of the Secret Place: Keys to Igniting your Personal Time with God.
One of the best kept secrets of our faith is the blessedness and joy of cultivating a secret life with God. Imagine the sheer delight of it even now.
The Secret of the Secret Places
As I have been reading this book God has been giving me on-the-job-training in honing my discipline to spend time with Him. He has set it all up with a trial, a textbook, and homework as this month continues.
A lot started on the plane ride from Hong Kong to Africa…
I got comfortable and took a look through the list of movies that were available for me to watch during the flight. I was excited that I literally wanted to see every movie on the list so I would have plenty of options during the 13 hour flight. I started to watch the things that were happening on the plane. There was so much commotion as the passengers settled in, but soon we were all in and off the ground.
The flight attendant that worked our aisle was a younger guy. I saw him move down the aisle to front of the plane. As he moved back towards me, serving my squad, it made me smile to see him making fun and cracking jokes with the squad. He got to me, though, and became subdued. I tried to smile to encourage the same fun, but he simply helped me and moved on. Immediately he turned back to his antics as he spoke to the next person.
“Hm… Is this what I am to expect in Africa? I want to know why he treats me different than the rest of our squad when it is obvious we are all together.”
I never asked him that question, but I continued to smile and tried to make jokes of my own. I made sure to say thank you with a smile to each flight attendant as I exited the plane.
I stood in the line with my squad mates and one excitedly asks me “Are you excited to be in Africa?!?” I cringed as I didn’t feel comfortable to answer candidly as I stood in that line. She noticed that I didn’t answer with the excitement she expected.
I tried to continue the conversation, but my mind had gone down a rabbit hole.
A rabbit hole that was overwhelming me.
We got to the front of the line through immigration and the attendants weren’t very friendly; not to just me, but in general. But the emotion of apprehensiveness started to well up inside of me.
We walked to another line that turned out to be a security check point. My squad mates are now starting to notice the shift in my body language and all I could do was pray that they would allow me to get through this line without questioning me so that I find a corner to cry and release all the emotion I am feeling and attempt to type up an articualtation of all that was going through my mind.
One squad mate spoke and I blew her off. I am avoiding all eyes like the plague right now. And the more I avoid their eyes the more the emotion refused to remain at bay. For every tear I wipe away another 2 fall. I hand the attendant my passport. He passes it back and tells me my gate, but I hear nothing he says. I walk up to put my bag on the conveyor belt and the woman starts asking me a question. I look at her puzzled. She repeats herself and I look back at her… “English?” She repeats it again and I continue to look puzzled until realization dawns on her and she speaks in English. “Computer?” I shake my head no and put my bag on the belt. I remove my hoodie and my watch and place it in the bin the woman supplied for me. I step up to the metal detector and walk through. I pick up my belongings on the other side. I wish that I would have stood there and put my belongings back on, but instead I hurried away, worried that someone would again ask me about my emotions and that I would start to cry. I head up the steps searching for a restroom and find one.
I am borderline hyperventilating, but I force myself to relax.
“I just need to get to the gate so I can charge my iPad and write all this down. That will help.”
I couldn’t articulate this at the time, but what I was saying is that I needed to get to my Secret Place; I was in desperate need of quiet time with the Holy Spirit. I needed Him to comfort me, to calm me, and to reveal His purpose for these feelings to me.
As I sat in the airport and wrote this I realized I lost the watch that I bought the day before and I continued still crying on and off for the next week. But I learned an important lesson that day. I learned the value of having a Secret Place with the Holy Spirit. Even though I know it is important to have community that comes around me in difficult times, it is important to first take my cares directly to God, to cry as Job did and say “what’s going on up there”, and the to quietly listen for His answer. He was the only person who could understand my feelings when I couldn’t articulate them, He was the only one who truly knew the plan of what was going on, He was the only one who could help me.
I have no idea what Africa holds for me, but am starting to believe that it will be a very pivotal part of this journey. I imagine that I will grow a lot this month, especially in the department of relying on Him.
Luckily He is always ahead of me and has equipped me with direction through this book and will walk with me as I learn this valuable lesson.
#Transition
Transition
