Just about a year ago, I was sitting on the balcony of our hostel, enjoying a nice breakfast, tea and talking with Jesus. I was in a really hard place. I was one month out of returning home from the field. In the middle of dealing with a situation on the field, while also trying to raise up new squad leaders (these 3 would be the ones to continue leading the squad after the 4 of us alumni left). Due to other circumstances, all 3 of my co-leaders had to leave the field early. I was the sole one on the field doing all the training. I felt alone, very alone. I also had no idea what home was going to look like. There was so much fear in the unknown.
I was reading the bible, listening to some worship music and talking to Jesus. I was coming to him broken. I was in his arms, curled up on his lap with my eyes closed, just complaining about how hard my life was. About all the decisions I had to make, the situation I was in and just not knowing what to do. When he just told me, “Quinn my daughter, look up, open your eyes. What do you see?”
I could tell you what I said to the Lord, but I think the picture speaks for itself.
He said, “Quinn, this is a representation of your life. You can so easily say the lake and the mountains look beautiful when looking at nature, but you are not paying attention to the stuff that is in your way of the view.” I looked a little closer, how distracting this amusement park was. It was big and obnoxious, yet I dismissed it. I looked through the cracks rather than changing my view and dealing with it. I could have removed myself and gone where I could get a new and clear perspective of the beauty of the scenery, but I chose to look past the distractions.
He continued to say, “See you have these distractions in your life, fears, questions, unknowns and you let them stop you from looking at my plan for you. I want you to look at life like you look at the beauty of this world. Don’t let the distractions deter you from the path I have you on. You see those mountains and the lake in the background, beautiful isn’t it? I created that, just like I created you and the story you are living. Beautiful, no matter what stuff fogs/disturbs the view.” I had to take that in for a second. It stung a bit, but I am so easily distracted when it comes to my own life and the path the Lord has me on. I could feel his arms just holding me.
I often looked out at this view and wished the fog wasn’t there, or maybe it was smog, you never know when in Nepal. I just wanted to look out and see those beautiful Himalayans that I knew was behind all of it. This view was so beautiful, yet it could be more beautiful because I knew what lay behind the fog. Again he said, “Just like you know there is beauty behind the fog, that represents your future, the unknown. He said there is beauty in the unknown, while you can’t see it and have no idea what is coming, when the fog clears it is going to be beautiful, so Quinn, will you follow me into the unknown, into the fog?”
Oh man, isn’t God just so good? He meets us right where we are. I sat with that for a long time. Every morning at breakfast I stared out over this view, with a new perspective. Was I ready to let go of the fears/distractions, get outside of myself and move to a place where the distractions were no longer there. Was I ready to lay them all down and follow him into the beauty that was my life. To continue letting him write my story?
Honestly, this was something I worked on the whole month and don’t get me wrong, there will always be distractions, something trying to take us away from setting our eyes on Jesus, but what I do know is that I was alone out there on the field. I was surrounded by 3 individuals, who became my team, supported by an amazing mentor and coaches who checked in on me daily and was in the arms of my heavenly father the whole time, which means that today I am not alone.
I have been home for almost a year and again I find myself being distracted, feeling like a failure at times and becoming stuck in my head. Life is hard, laying things down is hard, but I know it is worth it. Today the Lord took me back to Nepal and reminded me of this. Those raised-ups, they had no idea what I was going through, they just couldn’t understand, my family, they don’t understand they didn’t live on the field for 18 months, but God does. He has been walking alongside me the whole way and I have to continue to hold his hand and crawl onto his lap. He has held me and continues to hold me.
Re-entry has been hard. I have had good days and sometimes really hard days, but through it all Jesus has held my hand. He is walking me through the beauty and while I feel alone at times I am still supported and loved. I have to step outside of myself and always get a new perspective. God has been and will always be the only constant in my life and it is time to get back to leaning on him for everything, even when I have everything at my fingertips again.
So today I am thanking the Lord for his never-ending love, grace and provision, because when I feel like I am falling short he speaks to me and covers the lies. It has been a year of ups and downs, but I am thankful for the life he has given me and the things he has allowed me to be apart of.
Thank you to every one of you who has supported me. I am thankful beyond any words could ever portray. You guys have partnered together with God and have reached people beyond any of us could ever comprehend. Not only has this journey changed my life and brought me closer to the Lord, but you have helped plant seeds around the world.
If you would like to continue to keep up with me and this journey the Lord has me on, please go to my new blog. This is where I will share stories from home, what I am struggling with, the dreams the Lord is bringing to fruition, challenges and just life. I have realized how much I enjoy writing with this blog and hope to keep it up. So again, thank you for everything. This will be my last blog on this page, please head here Capture the Heart in order to keep in touch with this creative side of me!
