I lied about school.
I lied about not caring.
I lied about fundraising.
I lied about my relationship with Jesus!
I lied about being fine.
but mostly
I lied to myself!
Lying makes it so much easier to get through life. Being vulnerable is hard, so when questions are asked that involve more than a one word answer I lie. I pretend I am okay, when I am really not. I build an outer shell, so nobody sees how weak I truly am.
Fundraising is extremely hard and one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do. I tell myself that it is all going to be okay, that God is going to provide, but on the inside I am really worried, deadlines are fast approaching and the lies enter my head, ‘you weren’t called to this’, ‘this trip isn’t for you’… They fill me with doubt and I question my decision to go again. I question my calling, even though I know this is where I am supposed to be, God has confirmed it so many times. When people ask me how it is going, I say good, when really it is hard, and I struggle with asking for support everyday.
I lie to myself to make things okay. I convince myself that things are fine, but really things aren’t. School is really hard, and it has never been easy. The amount of times I thought about quitting is more than I can count. I tell myself, you need this degree, you want this degree, but really I don’t want this degree. I am getting this degree because that was the next step, I thought I had my life planned out, but I feel more lost then ever. I am extremely stressed and no matter how many times I tell myself and others that I am good, my situation is not going to get better. On the inside I am slowly losing it, and then I have days that are so bad I just break down.
I lie to myself because if I tell myself things are going to be okay, then they are going to start being okay. That is how it works, right?
That is not how it works. I cannot do this on my own and that is why I have to continually remind myself of my loving heavenly father. If I lean into him he is going to make things okay, because he has a plan! I cannot control my life, no matter how many lies I want to tell myself, but then I get into my head again. My relationship with Jesus isn’t as strong as I would like it to be. Is this really what I should be doing, maybe this trip was made for a ‘stronger’ Christian. I often tell myself that I don’t portray the love of Jesus well, because I struggle with finding personal time.
These thoughts brought me back to a night at training camp. I was struggling, wrestling with the enemy and trying to find strength in Jesus. The devil was attacking me that day and it was hard. After having so many spiritual high days and being surrounded by such an amazing community the devil was right there to take it all away.
I had been praying over and over, Jesus I know these aren’t your words please just give me the strength to get through. I was feeling down and feeling the stress of missing school, and again I started to believe the lies, but as I was walking into the training centre for what I am sure was going to be another intense deep session, a squadmate stopped me and said, ‘Quinn, you radiate beauty, and I hope to one day have that.’ Wait what? Klancy, a girl on my squad that is so open to what the Lord is telling her, who spoke life into me daily was telling me she wanted what I had? I always thought I wanted to have what she had? I wanted to be so in tune with the spirit that I could speak into others lives well. I laughed and I said thank you, but little did she know her words gave me the strength to keep going.To trust that the Lord was working in me, and even if I was hard on myself God wasn’t going to let me forget about the chains he had been breaking all week long.
These lies they get to me, but in reality they aren’t coming from my own mind, they are coming from the enemy. He is feeding me with lies, because he knows that I am starting a kingdom journey that is going to make him crawl up in a ball when my feet hit the ground every morning. He doesn’t want me to follow obediently, so he feeds me lies and makes me feel inadequate. While I battle with my flesh and the lies in my head, God always reminds me that he is there for me. He allowed me to find freedom and by his love I am made new and there is nothing the enemy can do to take that away from me.
God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called!
Klancy didn’t hold back on anything, she spoke and those words gave me strength, confirmation and yet again God spoke to me through another person. I am a little hard at hearing sometimes so he uses others to set my mind straight. Isn’t that amazing!
This next year is going to be a journey of growing close to God while expanding his kingdom. I cannot wait to do life with my squad and to continually encourage each other in our walk with God.
Love,
Quinn
Side note: Our last day of training camp our Mentor wrote up a contract for herself. The promises that she was making to our squad and the commitment she had to us. She then wrote up a contract for each one of us, which we all read signed and then had to continue to go around the room and say yes to each one of our squad mates. This was a promise to live out the context of that contract and to hold each other accountable, so I am going to do the same thing and share with you all the promises I have said to myself.
I promise to share the stories of people all around the world.
I promise to be vulnerable with you, to let you in on my kingdom journey.
I promise to let you know the incredible work God is doing throughout the nations.
I promise to continue growing close to God and to continue craving a loving relationship with him.
I promise to stop believing the lies and always remember that I am the daughter of a king.
I promise that no matter how hard the race life gets, I won’t give up and will continue press into the Lord.
I promise that the race is not going to be the best year of my life and just a mission trip, but that I will continue to live missionally for the rest of my life!
I promise to be bold and step out in my faith!
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