Since coming home from the Race I wake up and it’s either a good day or a very long, boring, unfulfilled bad day. This is not a normal Paige feeling so I figured I would put it out there because coming home has been NOTHING SHORT of HARD and DIFFERENT and FRUSTRATING and QUESTIONABLE. I either find that my time is jam packed with people and nonstop experiences where I am plum full and happily exhausted or I have nothing to do and fight with God all day about why my life hasn’t gone anywhere.
I have tried to pinpoint my struggles or where I am failing to hear God’s voice and each day the Lord shows me something new. It’s almost as if I feel entitled that because I did this BIG, grand, great act of obedience for God that He should be providing for me in an even grander way. Like the next step, my “next adventure,” just HAS to be better because you darn well know everyone and their brother asks me practically each hour, “What’s next, Paige?” And then I turn to God and ask what IS next, God? He remains silent and I try to be resilient but it is so hard and the enemy likes to whisper lies.
The biggest lie that the devil does like to throw across my thoughts is the one where I’m almost convinced that the best year of my life just came and went or the other lie that the mistakes I made in that time /the relationships I ruined are not worth forgiveness. But they are worth every ounce of forgiveness and this is a definite period of my faith where I remember God’s promises and goodness even when I don’t “feel” those things.
God is taking me through a long period of remembering that my emotions don’t make up who He is or what my future holds for me IN Him. It has been teaching me that I can spend the whole day crying or the whole day in the Word or the whole day just seeing everything around me for how grandiose it really is but THAT DOES NOT CHANGE who my God is. God is wonder. He is power. He is purpose. He is peace. He is stagnant. He is the promises He has made whether they are made known to you in a miraculous way that day or hour or minute or NOT.
But I am not kidding friends we are MADE TO WORK, we are made to seek after things that are on our hearts and to not remain in laziness or seasons of doing nothing. I see that now and never have had a chance to be here in these moments — these hard, painful, lonely moments with God.
He has what is best for me, He knows the dreams and desires of my heart, He loves to remind me of my worth and stature before Him, but that doesn’t mean that when in prayer I don’t break down and ask WHY over and over again.
I have had so many amazing part-time opportunities drop into my lap and I am SO THANKFUL for the people that have helped me get along in those ways. But I speak from experience it is not fun and you have to hang on to every faith thread regarding the call on your life when every door you try to open is either locked or slammed in your face.
The intent is this post is just for that someone out there. From me to you, it’s okay to admit things are hard. It’s okay to know you are not living up to everyone’s expectations of YOU in the season you are in BECAUSE it is not their thoughts or opinions or advice that drive your life anyways, it is God’s. AND YOU WILL WHEN GOD SAYS SO. A reminder to us all that you don’t grow without a little pain and suffering.
Thankful for God who is patient with me in my yearning for more in this time of my life, and whereas I am NOT thankful now hopefully some day I will be grateful for this season of sitting, waiting, and listening in humility. This life is not about me.
