On day #37 of the World Race I begged God to let me go home. I told Him I was through. I was sicker than a dog, the sickest I have ever been. I just wanted my Mom to be with me or one of my little sisters to tell me something that would get me to giggle as we laid curled up on my family’s couch, or a willing friend to bring over some soup. But then I opened my eyes and where was I? Nepal. No Mom. No sisters. No couch. No soup service. Not even reliable hot water. Definitely no place to take a bath or warm myself up. And a bunch of strangers who I wouldn’t dare wake from their slumber to help me-what if they thought that wild, hysterical, sick Paige was too much to handle? Best to instead pace the room, cry out to the Lord asking Him to not let the devil put me through trials like He did with Job, and just being in a state of misery because I chose to do the World Race, I chose to eat oddball foods, and I chose not to rest when God had told me to.
So a few nights ago while I sat on the floor (of a bathroom shared with 15+ other girls) cold, wet, sleepy, mad at God, sick Paige, I asked Him to find a way out of this trip because I wanted my comfort, my people, my “good food,” and my normal all back. And if you would have provided an opportunity for me to get on a plane that second, the idea of getting all of those things would have propelled me to do so and I wouldn’t be writing this from in a Nepali coffee shoppe that fights human trafficking (oh, my heart.)
You know what the Lord told me after all that begging and pleading and sweet talking I did with Him?
The Lord said a firm, hard, loving no. It was 2am, there I was on that bathroom floor in a silent home with 56 other totally willing squad mates who would have loved to have talked me through my meltdown, and I asked God a big fat WHY and even uttered a “please” and He responded…
“No Paige, you’re needed here.”
Can’t I be needed at home with my family showing them who God is? They don’t know you yet God, please?
NO.
Can’t I be at Marquette where students are finding worth in grades and drinking to fill voids in their lives where You should be, Father?
NO.
Can’t I go home and get a corporate job that will pay for my future mission work and I can show them how to love you from Milwaukee?
NO.
Can’t I try a new country with better, safer food and maybe even consistent missionary work each day, unlike Nepal, God? Is that too much to ask for?
NO.
And at that point I fell asleep. I had the worst stomach pains of my entire life, the worst diarrhea (worst color too,) and the worst attitude I have ever had about listening to God’s call and His voice.
That’s not my heart and that’s definitely not the Paige I was meant to be, but I hadn’t rested and there I was paying the price. In India I accidentally drank a Nalgene and a half of bad Indian sink water and after bloody surprises coming out of both ends and some quick rest, I assumed I was better. But failing to rest and fully recuperate lead me to this point and I was really upset with my go-getter, prideful self.
God doesn’t ask us to quit, but He asks us to know ourselves enough to not be burnt out or to skim over an actual problem that lies beneath the surface. Yeah, someone may look fine, but are they actually? How’s their heart? How’s their body? What is going on in their soul that you cannot see? So often we take care of everyone else when in reality the ground as to which WE are standing on is crumbling beneath our very feet. That’s me. My prayers and actions are almost always outwardly focused on others and people-centric that it isn’t selfless it is SELFISH. I am jipping people because I am not giving them my best self, I am giving them a half okay version of myself because I think I need to be everything for everyone and of COURSE I packed that tendency with me on the World Race too.
So yesterday after I admitted myself into the hospital in Nepal, with my squad leader Lo in tow, the Lord taught me a thing or two about self care. I’m being honest with all of you who are reading this-I wanted to go home with every ounce of love for the Lord in me. I wanted to go home and run faster after Him there, not here. But God has better and THE BEST plans for me here. I forgot about all of the beautiful girls I got to love on in India, the people in the slums I got to pray for the other day here in Nepal, my teammates and squadmates who are pushing me and growing me in ways I didn’t think I could manage (and refusing to leave my side when I am a lot to handle), and I forgot about how clearly I hear His voice now that I am away from all of the junk of America. Where I thought I was being selfless I was being selfish. The entire day I had fluids pumped into me through an IV and I kept paralleling it to how the Lord loves us. Just like a doctor. You take care of yourself, drink lots of water, eat what’s best for your body, and do your visits to the doc when you can to hear that you’re good to go. He too invites us to keep ourselves healthy, up to date with doses of His love, and regularly go before Him in a sort of “check up” manner. Do we? Not nearly enough, and I speak from personal experience. Exactly like me yesterday we wait until the last minute. We wait until we are beaten down by the world, an emotional mess, full of sin that needs to be confessed, and a lot of guilt/shame in our hearts and THEN we go seeking His aid.
The doctor looked at me yesterday and told me I was putting a bandaid on an issue in my life that needed a whole lot more than just a bandaid.
Tell me that isn’t true about what we do with God too. He’s such an advocate for us that He does not want us to wait until we are begging for a different purpose and crying because we cannot seem to find Him in the midst of the struggle when really we are only just inviting Him in during that hysterical moment instead of the day to day.
That’s why people only ask God for help when they are sick. Or dying. Or on their last days. Or when they get a bad grade on an exam and need a better one. Or when their love life is struggling. Or their normal has been breached. Or they find themselves dry heaving over a toilet in Nepal at 2AM. We think as long as there aren’t deeper signs of inner turmoil or bad in our lives that there isn’t a reason for God to be there but the whole REASON we are struggling amidst any issue is because we haven’t let God in sooner. I’M NOT SAYING THAT SOMEONE IS ON THEIR DEATH BED BECAUSE THEY HAVEN’T ASKED GOD IN-but don’t you think that they would be a lot more receptive of death or feel peace about it if they had been chatting with the Father the whole time leading up to that diagnosis? It puts everything into perspective.
I could write a book about my journey to and at the hospital but this lesson is one that has stuck. Choose Him first, you second, and the rest will fall into place as far as importance.
Permission to laugh at this picture. I had never gotten an IV before and missed the memo about keeping your arm straight when you use the bathroom. (There’s blood coming out of my IV.) God’s so good, people.
I’m not going anywhere, so sorry for all who miss me.
Best,
Paige
Ps. A big reason why I was sick was a poor diet and lack of drinking enough water. If any of you feel called to give to me for a monthly food budget to buy things like fruits and veggies and HEALTHY food, I would be blessed!
