The day I left Atlanta for India – it was like a switch flipped. That’s the only way I’ve been able to describe it.
All of the sudden, for no apparent reason, I began doubting God, and His truth, for the first time in my life.
I couldn’t see Him, I couldn’t feel Him – everything and everyone I knew were halfway across the world from me. I felt lost, isolated, scared, confused, and hopeless. In short – I felt like a victim of a cruel, twisted joke.
“Okay, God,” I said, “You brought me here (here: on the world race, in the middle of southern India, living out of a backpack for 11 months with 50 strangers). I couldn’t have made it this far on my own. Everyone is calling this a trip of a lifetime, and yet, I’m miserable. So, where are you?”
I asked God this question every day for 40 days.
On the 41st day – I heard Him answer.
Today marks the 41st day since I left Atlanta – since I felt the switch flip.
Today, the switch flipped back.
Today – I walked out of the wilderness.
Last night, the 40th night on the race, before I fell asleep, I made the decision that during squad time before starting ministry the following day, I would step out and invite God and my squad into my pain and confusion, and fight for Him and my purpose on the race. My older brother stated it eloquently, calling it my fight for the 3%.
Most people on my squad can agree the world race has been challenging – but they have found rest on their affirmed calling to be here. I, on the other hand, have not had that luxury, until now.
The enemy loves tossing us around making it impossible for us to find our resting point in Christ, in His calling for us, and our purpose in Him.
“If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. 6 But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind.” James 1: 5 – 6
It’s in this wrestle between waves that I have been tossed back and forth during these last 40 days, unable to find a solid ground on which to stand. Having a panic attack this past Sunday set on by anxiety, insecurity, fear, and doubt was the epitome of my internal fight with God. That was my last straw – I was done.
“I should be in awe of Your majesty, surrounding me from every angle, in one of the most beautiful countries in the world. Instead, I am overcome with fear and I am hyperventilating. Where are you God?” I said, crying to Him out loud.
After two straight days of conversations between myself and squadmates, friends from home, and family members – I decided to take 36 hours to wait patiently on the Lord.
Before I entered into those precious, and desperately needed, 36 hours, my older brother, Travis, asked me just how sure I was that I wanted to go home at the end of the month. “I don’t know, Trav. Like 97%?” I responded. As far as I was concerned, it was just a matter of sorting out logistics.
“Great!” he said, “all I needed to hear is that there is still a chance. I’ll be fighting and praying for that 3%.”
At first, that didn’t sit well with me. Why would he be praying against my heart’s desire? I wanted to go home. I wanted to breathe. I wanted to be done with it all, admit defeat, and try my hand at something new.
36 hours later – God led me out of the wilderness all because of that 3%.
The insecurity, fear, and doubt I am experiencing in my relationship with God is overflowing into the other intimate relationships in my life. Going home would not magically end my wrestle with God, nor would going home resolve my insecurity. Going home wouldn’t mean that the enemy won, because God is glorified in all things, but giving into fear and believing the enemy’s lies would.
Today, I asked my squad today to pray for that 3%. I stepped out into faith and invited God and my squad into my pain.
After sharing my struggle with my squad and being lifted up in prayer, I sat down and began reflecting on Jesus’s life and His own struggles. The most well known was that of His wandering 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness. I sat on the roof of our ministry building and flipped to Matthew 4 to begin reading. When I finished, I decided to count how many days I had been wandering in my own wilderness.
It had been exactly 40 days since I had left Atlanta and felt my switch flipped off.
My squad was delayed from leaving Atlanta by one day. If we had left on time, my time in the wilderness would’ve still been significant, but not exactly 40 days and 40 nights just like my J.
Without even knowing it, God led me out of the wilderness and into His arms after my 40 days and 40 nights of wandering had been successfully completed – in order for me to use that time as a testimony of His goodness and His provision. Little did I know He heard my cries every day. He had a plan for me the whole time, for the exact amount of days He let me wander, because in the end it would glorify Him in a way I could’ve never done on my own.
1 Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. 2 And after fasting forty days and forty nights, he was hungry. 3 And the tempter came and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, command these stones to become loaves of bread.” 4 But he answered, “It is written,
“‘Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that comes from the mouth of God.’”
5 Then the devil took him to the holy city and set him on the pinnacle of the temple 6 and said to him, “If you are the Son of God, throw yourself down, for it is written,
“‘He will command his angels concerning you,’ and “‘On their hands they will bear you up, lest you strike your foot against a stone.’”
7 Jesus said to him, “Again it is written, ‘You shall not put the Lord your God to the test.’” 8 Again, the devil took him to a very high mountain and showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. 9 And he said to him, “All these I will give you, if you will fall down and worship me.” 10 Then Jesus said to him, “Be gone, Satan! For it is written,
“‘You shall worship the Lord your God and him only shall you serve.’”
11 Then the devil left him, and behold, angels came and were ministering to him.
Matthew 4:1 – 11
What happens after verse 11?
Jesus Begins His Ministry – after 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness, being tested in every way the enemy could imagine, Jesus fought for His purpose on Earth, overcomes the enemy, angels come to Him, and then, begins His ministry.
So, why am I here on the race?
To know God more and on a deeper level? Honestly, I could do that at home.
To “fix” Nepal and its problems? Frankly, the locals are doing that far more effectively than I ever could in one month.
At the most basic level, I am here to help those in need, knowing and expecting nothing in return.
Which brings me to Shova, Ruby, and Sunsila –
*** A special thank you to my older brother and all of my prayer warriors at home – God hears you and it’s your faith in HIM that helps encourage me when I feel empty, tired, and discouraged. Your words and messages are PURE GOLD to me – so keep sending them! Love you all with all of my heart ***
