The past few months I have been being attacked by the Devil so much. I’ve struggled with sins I never expected to struggle with. Things that before the race I thought “I could never struggle with that, that’s just wrong.” Yet, here I am, A broken mess from this. Sin can DESTROY you. It can destroy your relationships and the way you see yourself. It can also divide your relationship with Jesus. The Devil feeds me lies about this sin and about who I am every day.
One of my Squadmates Hillary did this thing back in Nepal where she wrote a letter to herself from the Devil and another one from the Lord. I wanted to do that today.
This is what the Enemy says to me.
You think you’re so special huh? You gave up a year of your life- this “big sacrifice” to come on this trip for Jesus. Yeah ok. People that actually love Jesus don’t sin like this, it’s gross. You’re nothing but a filthy, worthless millennial that thinks they are actually making a difference in people’s lives when in reality you’re just trying to make yourself feel better.
Your friends back home don’t even miss you, in fact they were actually happy to see you leave in January and are looking for ways to pull away from you so that when you come home in November, they don’t have to continue being your friend.
Your teammates? Yeah, they don’t like you either. You’re awkward and let’s be honest, no one wants to be friends with the fat girl. They just pretend to like you so it’s not so obvious.
This sin you’re struggling with will always have a grip on your life. It will define who you are and what your race is like. The friendships it has effected are now forever unrepairable. Guess you better throw in the towel because not only are things awkward but now that person you cared for so much, actually hates you for this and doesn’t want to be your friend again. They only say that you’re still friends to not sound so harsh.
I hope you’re happy because you’ve ruined so many things for so many people. And you thought you were coming on this race to make peoples lives better and give them hope. HA!
You are worthless.
This is what my God says about me.
Kierstin, my precious daughter. Thank you for following me in obedience even though this year has not looked the way you expected it to. I am PROUD of you.
The Devil has taken ahold of you with this sin, it is not of me and it is not who you are. It does NOT define you or your race. It is simply something you must work hard at. Lean into me, seek me FIRST.
I KNOW that your faith in me is bigger than this, which is why I have allowed this sin in your life. Because I know you can get past it. Consider it an honor that I trust you in this way.
Remember when you felt so lonely in Nepal? It was because you were struggling with sin, sin that entered into your life as an attack from the Devil because of your obedience to me. In those moments of feeling so alone, you have never been more like me. In my greatest moment (on the cross) I was more alone than ever. Because I was following the Father. So when you are feeling lonely due to following me, you are more like me than ever.
Kierstin, do you remember when your dad passed away and everyone told you “He would be so proud of you.” And you would get angry? You though ‘how could they say that, they didn’t know him and even if they did, he definitely wouldn’t be proud of me right now.’ I want you to know that he IS proud of you! And he loves you.
Your friends back home love you, but they are busy just like you are. Give them grace and be understanding. Continue to seek how to be a better friend to them!
You are not fat, you are beautiful. Your team is lucky to have you. You bring joy, laughter, strength, hope, encouragement and love to your team and everyone you come in contact with. They want to know you, they see the depth that you have and the joy you bring. Allow them to know you well! You are worth knowing.
Keep walking in step with me. If you stray, I’m right here to guide and lead you and when you get tired, I will carry you.
You are worth EVERYTHING to me. Let me be worth EVERYTHING to you.
I love you sweet daughter.
Love, your Heavenly Father
Totally unrelated side note to all my supporters, I am traveling to Albania in a week and a half and on our way to Albania we have a 10 hour layover in ROME!!! I really want to go out and explore….maybe get some pasta…because I mean, WHY NOT?!?! But, that gets pricey especially for a girl with no job or income whatsoever this year! If you’d like to send some money my way for my Rome excursion, you can do it through Pay Pal:paypal.me/KierstinFoltz
Thank you!!!
