I’ve been cold ever since we left Medellin. I am a southern California kid and Quito sits at over 9,000 feet above sea level. This city is beautiful and the people are amazing, but this beach girl was in desperate need of sunshine and salty air. Over Canaval weekend, a few of us hopped on an overnight bus to the coast. It was everything I wanted and everything I didn’t know I needed. This month is all squad month–almost 60 of us living together under one roof. Finding space to be alone is impossible. It’s been tough and I found myself getting irritated with my squad-mates over the smallest things. I didn’t want to put effort into building relationships with people I wouldn’t normally gravitate towards and I wasn’t loving well. Before we left, I was telling one of the girls on my team that I was struggling. She spoke truth over me and I was definitely convicted. She told me I needed to die to myself and surrender my pride. That changed everything. That night as I went to sleep on the bus, I asked the Father to help me die to myself and asked Him to take my pride. I asked for His heart for my squad. I woke up at the beach with the same prayer in my heart.
I spent three amazing days in Mompiche, a quiet little fishing and surfing town. It was beautiful, fun, and helped me shift my focus back to the Father and what He has called me into. I started each day with a fresh coconut on the beach and soaked in every ounce of sunshine and salt water that I could. I had space here.
I was walking by myself down Playa Negra, a black sand beach that sparkled in the sunlight. There was no one else around. I could only hear the sound of the waves crashing against the rocks. The sun was warm on my face, the sand soft between my toes, and the water was cool lapping over my feet. In that moment I remembered a line from one of my favorite poems,
“There is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline, no matter how many times it is sent away.” (If I Should Have a Daughter, Sarah Kay)
How much more beautiful is the Father’s pursuit of us? He loves us so much and desires a relationship with us that no matter how many times we run from Him or push Him away He continues to pursue us. There is nothing we can do to make Him love us less.
He willingly humbled Himself to take my sin and shame upon Himself and gave Himself as the ultimate sacrifice for me. He knew that I would fail Him time and time again, but He willingly died for me anyways. He defeated sin and death once and for all.
His blood has washed me clean. I am forgiven and made new. He keeps no record of my wrongs. That is His heart towards me. He loves me unconditionally. Since I have been forgiven and shown unfathomable grace, how can I withhold that from others? Who am I to decide who deserves forgiveness and grace? This changed my month. I came home from the beach spiritually filled and ready to pour into my squad. I was able to see past the things that I saw as character flaws in others and see the people God created.
I’m not perfect, and it’s not always easy, but asking the Father to help me die to myself daily and for His heart for others has helped me love better and grow deeper in my relationship with Him.
