I’m trying to free up some space in my tiny laptop. So far I have deleted plenty of old photos and some documents as well. While I was going through the list of Word documents I found one simply titled “blog idea” from August 9, 2017. Curious, I opened and read it. Honestly I don’t even remember writing this, but the me today said “wow, this is good.” So, I wanted to share it with you.
I wrote this during the last month of my Race, nine days before I would arrive back on US soil. From its words I can sense that I was in a tough spot of processing the previous 11 months of my life.
As you read this, consider praying for all the Racers that I am with now. Pray for them now, throughout their Race, and when they return home from this journey they’re on. They are currently in month three, but before you and I and they know it they’ll be in their 11th month, probably feeling a lot of these same things, having similar internal dialogues, and in need of people to come alongside them when they return home. People to help them process and heal. Who will simply listen to their stories. People I will need again when I return home from these five months with them.
———————————————————————————————–
August 9, 2017. Sri Lanka. Month 11.
What am I doing?
It’s a question that I have asked myself at various times in my life. Usually at times that I feel like I am not doing enough. Others questions accompany it, such as, “what is my purpose for living…what else could I be doing…am I doing enough?” Perhaps these questions are ones that you have asked yourself before.
Can I be real with you for a moment?
I may not have words to answer all the questions. When you run into me back home, ask to meet with me and catch up, or you call me on my phone and the number actually rings successfully and I answer…if I can’t answer your questions, will you give me grace? Will you listen to the words and emotions that might not make sense to you? Will you hug me, tell me everything will be okay, and will you pray with me?
This year of my life, this season that came and went quicker than I thought it would is almost over. In nine days, I will be back in the States. I will have to leave the Race behind me and step back into my previous normalcy. But, what even was that normalcy? I would rather continue this life of missions than return to anything I was once doing before it, because that was not nearly as fulfilling, both to my heart and to my purpose for living.
I have been awakened to so much hurt and pain, but also so much joy and wonder.
I have seen the hurt and pain of an at-risk teenage girl, living in a safe house. But, I have also seen the joy of a child despite being abandoned to an orphanage by her mother at the young age of three. I have lived the life of the poor in Uganda, yet even my hut was better-built than most in the bush. I have heard the stories of a woman whose own husband was brutally murdered by Rebel’s, yet her faith, trust, joy, and love for God is unlike anyone’s I have ever seen. I have seen people collecting plastic bottles in the streets in the hopes to sell them and make a few dollars to buy some food. But, I have seen the relief and gratefulness of hungry school children when they received a couple of pancakes and some oatmeal. I have seen the despair of countries once home to communism, but heard of the freedom that Christ brought them when Jesus finally made his way into their homes.
I have seen women in bondage to sex slavery, many with a middle-aged man hanging around and groping them, undoubtedly thrilled at the night that lay ahead of him; a hell for the woman in his arms. But, I have seen the beauty of those who fled to the safety of a coffee shop, owned by a small-but-mighty woman who works behind the scenes to love these women into freedom. I have heard a Muslim man tell me that everything we say about Jesus is wonderful, but for him to convert to Christianity would be punishable by death. I have witnessed the influence of the Soviet Union in a country once controlled by it, yet experienced the beauty that has been given a chance to come forth from the dust.
I have traveled many roads, flown on many planes, rode many buses and a few trains. I have made hundreds of friends, witnessed to hundreds of peoples, loved, held, cried with, prayed for, and encouraged many others. I wrote my first sermon, got my first stamp in my passport, held my first child in an orphanage, lead my first salvation prayer, taught my first English class, sang in many worship sets, made friends from the Middle East, visited a Red Light district, prayed healing for a self-professed atheist, fasted and prayed for rain to fall, and saw the loving touch of Jesus in the tears of a Buddhist woman who agreed to let us pray for her.
I have hiked many mountains, stood under a few waterfalls, seen a whale in the sea, had Christmas on the beach, fetched water from a well, helped slaughter a goat then ate portions of its heart, liver, kidney, and intestine. I have seen the line of the Milky Way, my first Hindu temple, rode in my first tuk tuk, learned words in nine different languages, drank horse milk, felt the buzz of too much wine on an empty stomach, rode in a boat on the Nile, and so much more…
What has been most important and impacting to my life has been the growth inside me that God has done. I have read more of my Bible, gleaned more from His presence, felt more of His love, heard more of His voice, seen more of His glory, experienced more of His freedom, and tasted more of His goodness than ever in my life before. He truly created in me a new reason for living: to share this love with everyone, because when He spoke of it in Matthew 28, He truly meant ‘all.’
———————————————————————————————-
October 19, 2018. Bulgaria. Month 3 of Alumni Leading.
It’s been a whirlwind so far. Today especially has been a sweet day of rest with my Jesus. He is awakening me in new ways. He is the beauty that I behold with my eyes, everywhere that I look, every waking and sleeping second of my life. My heart is both undone and made whole by His love. I can’t explain what is happening in me, but I know it is good, and it’s something I haven’t felt yet. It’s a new transformation, because when you come to Jesus it’s not enough to just receive Him and not allow Him to transform your heart. Especially to not let Him transform it over, and over, and over again.
With an insane amount of love, and just enough manna for today,
Hope
