So it has been about 3 weeks since I’ve been back in the great country of America and my emotions have been all over the place to say the least. I have been so excited that I am just about jumping all over the room with the opportunities to have my mother’s home cooked food and texmex back in my life. I have cried in the middle of organizing my closet (GUYS I FEEL LIKE I HAVE SO MANY CLOTHES… ITS RIDICULOUS) because about half way through the process I realized that I could do this because I wasn’t leaving again in 3 weeks like I have done in all the places I have lived in this past year. I have walked out of HEB (a Texan grocery store) because I was so overwhelmed by all of my options to choose from and the fact that EVERYONE around me spoke english. I know these things may sound crazy to you, but these crazy differences have become my new normal for the last year of my life. I lived in a world where my only constant was change and a lack of alone time…. so coming home to a world so focused on comfort and “personal space” or “personal information” is totally foreign.
Despite these challenges that I wasn’t expecting, y’all, the people I have come home to, have been absolutely incredible. I can’t tell you the number of people who have asked me about my trip and actually taken the time to really listen to what I have to say. I have been shown so much love and people have shown me they really want to hear all what I have learned. But over this crazy time of transition, I keep hearing a phrase that bothers me. I have had so many people tell me “Katelyn I am just so proud of you…”. The context seems to be different from people being proud of how I gave a year of my life, or that I was brave enough to travel the world with a bunch of strangers, or they say it after I have told them an incredible story or thing that God taught me that has completely transformed my heart. Each and every person means it with such sincerity, but I can’t help but feel bothered by it every time.
I know y’all think I am crazy, but just hear me out for a second.
My Apple Phone dictionary says pride means: having a high opinion of one’s worth. In this day we like to assign someone’s worth and value to how successful they are or the achievements they have done. When someone is “proud” of you there is a pride that likes to try to sneak in saying “They’re right… you are that good” or “You do deserve to be praised because you did ________, __________, and __________”. But the truth is I DID NONE OF THIS AND NEITHER DID YOU.
This last year has been the hardest year of my life, hands down. It has been filled with so many many many times of me wanting to quit and just come back home (just ask my teammates). I can’t even count the number of days that the absolute last thing I wanted to do was ministry or to spend time with God. I can’t tell you how many tantrums I threw with God telling Him that I was done, that He called the wrong person to do this, or straight up just tell Him how dumb He was for even creating us (one of my teammates says that my relationship with God often reminds her of a 3 year old). These are many of the realities that you don’t get to see as you follow me in another country.
Sadly that also means you don’t get to see how God uses each one of those moments to help me trust Him more. He continues to reveal to me how completely broken I really am… like the bible says in Isaiah 64:6 says, “We are all infected and impure with sin. When we display ur righteous deeds they are nothing but filthy rags (in the original text “filthy rags” means menstrual clothes to give you and even grosser picture). Like autumn leaves, we wither and fall, and our sins sweep us away like the wind.” Thats some pretty intense language from someone who loves us deeply…. but I honestly believe this is one of the nicest ways the Lord can show us how imperfect we really are.
FUNNY SIDE NOTE: It reminds me of how my mom had to convince me to take a shower immediately when I got home because I smelled so bad. She kept trying to give me gentle hints like “aren’t you so excited to take a shower” or “isn’t the hot water going to feel so great”. Clearly I wasn’t getting it. As I finally started cuddling up next to her she final told me “Katelyn, love, go take a shower… you stink”.
When all we do is compare ourselves to ourself…. we can’t see how dirty, sinful, or in my case smelly we truly are. We need that wake up call that reminds us that our comparison for life is not ourselves…. and it for sure is not the people around us either. Our comparison is our Lord Jesus Christ and the life He has laid out for us in the Bible.
My stench or impurity is not a bad thing though… its a human thing. It is an inherit flaw that everyone of us have simple being born of the flesh after the fall of Adam & Eve, So coming back to why people being “proud of me” bothers me so much. It bothers me because it reinforces the lie that the enemy wants me to believe that I am no longer smelly or impure because of something I have done. What you being “proud” of me does is start building up a pride in me that makes me want to rely on my own strength instead of “casting all of my cares on the Lord because He is the one who cares for me” as 1 Peter 5:7 say. You being “proud of me” by saying “I could never have done what you do” or “we need more people like you in this world” actually tells me a lie that compared to the world around me I am righteous, when in reality without the sacrifice of Jesus’s blood I am nothing but a menstrual rag. Galatians 2:21 says, “I do not set aside the grace of God; for if righteousness comes through the law (aka your works), then Christ died in vain.”
So where does that leave us, you may be asking. How can you get across the compliment your heart means to say without triggering the pride inside of each and every one of us? Honestly, I can’t tell you there is a wrong way or a right way… I can just share what I’ve personally learned.
On the world race we did something called “Feedback” everyday with our teams. It was a space where we would share with each other the specific ways we saw them excel during the day and moments where their heart, or the heart of Jesus, didn’t line up with their actions. It was a time where we got to encourage each other while also calling each other higher like the earlier churches did in 1 Thessalonians 5:11. “Therefore encourage on another and build each other up, just as you are already doing.”
My suggestion is to take a minute and slow down to observe the person you want to tell “you are proud of” and instead of just blanketing it with “being proud” actually tell them what traits of Jesus you admire inside them. Because as we all know, the only good we are is all because of Jesus! This way in you are giving glory and honor where they are really due, to our Heavenly Father, and encouraging our brothers and sisters during the process.
I really have truly loved the community I am surrounded by! My family, my friends, my church… each of you are absolutely incredible and I could not be more thankful to The Father for giving me each one of you! I pray that this blog challenges you… but even more than that encourages you to use your love and your influence to help better the people around you while giving The Father all the glory He truly deserves. These past 3 weeks have been living proof that
Proverbs 27:17 is true: “As iron sharpens iron, as one man sharpens another.”
Thank you for being my iron!
