I know these words are not usually associated with one another, but often times this is the role I’ve wanted God to play in my life.
My hearts cry is to be intimate with God, to be fully exposed and fully loved by Him. This process of deep intimacy takes time. I see others with this beautiful relationship with God and I want it. I am willing to do anything to have it. My prayers are, “God come strip me clean, it all away. Take off everything that keeps me from being seen by you. God I don’t care if it hurts, I don’t care if I don’t want it anymore, God please just do it. God I want you and only you to fulfill this deepest desire within me. Just have your way, I give you permission, you don’t even have to tell me just do it.”
This prayer is so easy to say and has been what I have wanted for so long, but it is always met with a response like, “No love, I am a gentleman and we are going to walk through this together.” This thought has always been annoyance for me because I truly believed that was the path I wanted and Gods way was just a different path that takes too long, and is messed up by all my human flaws. I always thought that intimacy with God was the goal, and the goal was the most important part of the journey.
This morning God showed me a harsh reality. He showed me that I was asking to be raped by Him. I wanted to give up all my rights in the process and have Him force His way to create intimacy between us. I wanted to have no say in the matter and I didn’t want him to give me the option to say no, I just wanted Him to have His way.
Of course our God would never answer this prayer because He truly is such a gentleman… and actually that’s a great thing. Every time He decides to remove something off my life He asks if I am ready and checks in with me the whole time. Other times He takes me through the process of having me choose to remove things off my own life, standing right next to me guiding my hand every part of the way.
This way, of course, prolongs the process to get to the final product, but actually makes the intimacy so much sweeter. It makes me feel loved, seen, and desired. I am not just another human He uses in a “game He plays”, I am a beautiful human that He created and loves so deeply. His desire is not only to see me, but to show me more of Him. He wants to show me the intimacy of His beautiful scars that He bore on the cross for me. He is taking me step by step and showing me what they feel like on His body, and explaining to me why He loves them so much.
Intimacy truly is such a beautiful thing, so I am going to stop asking God to rape me, slow down and let Him take me through the entire process.
