So before our squad left on the World Race, all of us received a key. Everyone had been prayed over by the staff and the Lord had revealed a prophetic word to them specifically for each person and that word was then engraved on a key and given to us.
Once we got them, the idea was to pray over the word on the key you received and ask the Lord to show you how it related to your own life.
Before I got mine, I honestly doubted that this special “formula” was legit and I had to check myself before I rolled my eyes and said “pfft” at the whole idea.
My squad leader handed me a small white envelope with my name on it and I reluctantly slid my finger across the sticky glue to open it. I dumped the key out and felt the slight weight of the object fall into my cupped palm. When I turned it over my stomach dropped as my word stared me in the face, provoking a battle in my spirit. My insides were curling as I stared back at what I saw as a grueling challenge that lay ahead of me. My thumb rubbed slowly over the shallow letters as I read the word ‘BEAUTY’ etched into the metal.
At first reaction, I was absolutely amazed because I then believed that this “magical formula” actually was legit! This was something that I have always struggled with and I did not want this word. I looked at my word as a challenge, an annoyance, a trial, an obstacle that I knew I needed to heal from but I didn’t want to dig through the deep, vulnerable, messy, secretive cracks of my life to go through the process of healing. I had lived my life perfectly content with shoving my heaps of insecurities waaaay down underneath a smile and some make-up. But God had different plans. He asked me to expose my mess so that I could give it to Him.
So there I was, tra-la-la-ing through the first couple months of the World Race, ignoring that hindrance that sat in the bottom of my backpack from the day I carelessly tossed it in there with some other random junk. I was jealous of other peoples’ keys: they all got words like ‘FAITH’, or ‘HOPE’, or ‘LOVE’, or ‘PSALM 23’. At the time I couldn’t tell if God thought He was being funny or that He was being cruel.
I started feeling convicted when I recognized the gentle whispers from the Lord. He would use people to speak into me about worth and insecurities and beauty and identity and value. After our first month, my squad coach and dear friend, Denise, marched up to me and said, “I hope you know that your identity is not defined in being a wife- your true identity was settled at the Cross and it is in Christ.” Whoa. What the heck even was identity?! I had never thought about it before so I didn’t even realize it was something I struggled with.
The Lord was softly calling me more and more into His desire to heal me and I finally started opening the door a little wider each time He knocked. He didn’t rush me- He slowly removed one brick of my wall at a time until I came bursting through it from the other side in full force.
I started letting the Lord tell me how He thinks I’m beautiful and how He sees me.
The world defines beauty differently from the way God defines it. The world promotes false beauty, unrealistic pressures that keep us in chains, it tells us our worth and value lie in affirmation from others. It’s a business. They literally call it the ‘Beauty Industry’. That’s ridiculous!
Worldly beauty is the reason I had such strong insecurities about my physical appearance. Insecurity is slavery and I decided I was tired of being a slave so I finally let Him break my chains.
Insecurity is a pride issue. I never thought of myself as a prideful person. But insecurities call out to us saying, “me, me, me”.
There is nothing humble about being insecure. It completely focuses our attention on ourselves and we lose sight of what and who we should be focused on.
I had to learn where I placed my worth and value. For many, many years my worth was fueled by the affirmation I craved from other people, especially men.
The number one burning question in my mind as a wife was always “does my husband think I’m attractive?”
That’s natural- of course you want your spouse to think you’re attractive and that’s not a bad thing. But I walked a dangerous line when the answer to that question became my value-fuel.
Whether he thinks I’m beautiful or stops thinking that one-day, does that change my worth? Does his opinion define my beauty? Would I claim the “ugly” title over myself? A few months ago, yes, I would have.
I smile now at how far the Lord’s grace has extended to me- so far into the deep pit of lies I used to live in. What once had been my idle and lifeline is now so far behind me: fitness had once become my god, over-concerning myself with my looks and obsessing over the pressure of constantly staying ‘put together’ and done-up and worrying about what other people thought of me was what I used to worship without even knowing it.
And yes, at this point in life it has been almost 2 weeks since I have washed my hair and I can’t even remember the last time I put make-up on. I literally don’t know where my make-up bag is. Honestly, I just don’t care and it feels like freedom!
I’m not at all saying that wanting to look nice is a bad thing or that I shouldn’t stay healthy. I’m sure that when I return to America, there will be occasions that I wear make-up and style my hair and maybe even shower…maybe…
The problem was that I allowed physical appearance to swallow up my identity and rule my life. The devil knew he could use my weakness of insecurity to cripple and abuse me and the worst part is that I let him do it and buried myself deeper and deeper.
I know that this might always be a battle that I will have to choose to overcome through Christ’s power. But battle or not, I am confident that I have been healed and set free from the burden that I once carried because I now know what God says about true beauty and the ways in which He calls me beautiful. And let me tell you, I sure am beautiful.
