I was crawling face down on the ground, my legs were dead weight, useless, and I had to use my arms to pull myself across the dirt floor on my belly. Something dark and creaturely kicked me, mud caking onto my face. I could feel the worms slithering through the earth under my body. Reaching out with both hands, I clawed at the soil, searching desperately for something solid to pull myself up with- a branch, a rock, a helping hand. There was nothing. Just the unstableness of lifeless dirt, mushing between my clenched fists…
This was the vision I had of myself these past few weeks.
I felt defeated.
I was no longer dancing light-footed on the mountain peaks and I had been taken from the lush valleys. I was in the pit of a trench, crawling through the dark, dampness of a narrow canyon, underneath the earth, with jagged cliff walls stretching high above me.
I found myself wanting the assurance that God was present in my mess. I was allowing myself to become so blinded by the negative that I couldn’t see where the Lord was in all the chaos. The enemy came in and quickly tried to rob me of my dearest treasure: my singleness of heart in my love for Christ.
And then, just like that, with a sudden roar of victory, I found my blessing in disguise! What I hadn’t realized at the time was that the deeper my troubles got, the stronger my trust became. The more I was pushed down with dirt kicked in my face, the hungrier I was for the Word.
I clung to the Scriptures so tightly through these past weeks, more tightly than I ever have in my life. Any chance I had, I was reading the Psalms, memorizing them, reciting them as I walked through the streets, claiming them over myself. The words not only stayed on the pages, they resounded within me, reverberating off of my soul, singing through my mind until they were no longer words but they were defining who God is and His authoritative power which is engraved in me as His child.
I was clinging to the Word of God and to His love and to His promises with every ounce of strength left in me and through that, the Father revealed more of Himself to me. I experienced a new side of God- I saw Him as my protector, defender, and the One who fights my battles so that I don’t have to.
I was Daniel, thrown into the pit of the lion’s den. I was an Israelite, cast into the lifeless wilderness to wander aimlessly for 40 years. I was thrown into the fiery furnace by King Nebuchadnezzar. But the Lord continued to shut the mouths of the lions, He still poured down sweet manna from Heaven to provide for me, and He sent angels to protect and surround me so the fiery flames could do no harm to me.
I failed to see God in the midst of my trouble because I was choosing not to see God. But He is the One who chooses to be with us in the chaos. He stays there with us, in the mess. If my joy is in and from the Lord, then my joy should never be circumstantial because He never changes, He stays the same. He is the One who gave me my joy and He is the only One with authority so nothing can steal that joy away.
The Lord tells us to love everyone. Everyone. At one fed-up point I asked God, “How am I supposed to love those men who grabbed me and robbed my stuff out of my pocket? How am I supposed to love the people of this city who harass us as we walk down the street?”
He reminded me that He was literally beaten, spit on, wrongly accused, humiliated, and murdered and yet, He still loved all of those who persecuted Him. He led me to Jeremiah 12:5…”…if in a safe land you are so trusting, what will you do in the thicket of the Jordan?”
I am no better than the thugs on the street who stole my stuff or the homeless alcoholic begging for more booze money. It’s easy to love people who are kind to you and love you back but what about those who tread on you, beat you down, and rob you? If you love those who do you harm, then that is truly an attitude and heart of Christ.
This month was a teaching, testing, and learning month and though the challenges were hard, I am thankful for them because my relationship with the Creator is even stronger and more intricate than ever before. My joy is abounding because He never fails!
…when there in the thick dirt, my grip found stableness. I grasped tightly to the hand stretched down toward me and it pulled me back onto my feet again. My face was gently wiped clean from the caked mud and my head was tenderly kissed. With shuddering fear, my adversaries fled and in their place a Spirit of peace was restored. A new shadow did I dwell in, a comfort indescribable. In robes of golden light, I walked with strength beside me onto a new path paved away from the darkened pit. Looking back, the darkness was gone- the same light that shown before me on the mountaintops was the same light that shown in the trenches of the valley.
