This summer, I was re-hired at Camp Squanto in NH as their Head Chef for the season which has been such a blessing. This is my 4th summer working here and I’m even more blessed by being able to share this experience with Jon for the first time! We’ve been having so much fun bonding with other staff members, running around wearing face-paint while playing ‘Capture the Flag’, waking up in our cozy cabin in the woods on a lake, paddle boarding as the sun sets, worshipping God with 100 barefooted campers surrounding us, and eating homemade cookies and milk every single night together.
Some days I think we might be having too much fun and other days my mind is so consumed with an endless to-do list for the kitchen. Either way, I am always blown away at how blessed we are to be here but I’ll be honest, the constant busyness of each day has made it a little hard to focus on our upcoming World Race. This place has a way of calling a person to retreat to a time of silence, either to take a moment to breathe, or to talk to God or to simply take a step back and sit in awe of His creation. But for some reason I have found it extremely hard to just “be silent.” I’m either too tired or my mind wont stop thinking. I feel SO busy all the time because I’m trying to juggle my job, my marriage, my relationship with God, our plans up until the Race, our plans after the Race, getting ready for the Race, and also trying to spend time with the other staff members here. Because of this, I’ve realized that my ‘feelings’ start to creep in and try to take over my thought process. I’ll start to feel anxious or afraid that we’re running out of time to plan for this missions trip. Or the worst one of all is my feeling of insecurity. I’m insecure that I’m out of shape and that I wont be able to make it through 11 months of rigorous hikes through the jungle or I’m not spending enough time in the Word so therefor I’m not spiritually ready for this therefor God wont want to use me for His kingdom. UGH!! Blast you insecurities!! They seriously weigh a girl down :/ So most of my days have felt like that. THEN there are the other days where I’m like “Pfft, step aside world, heck yes I can do this! I am a daughter of the KING!” …. I love those days 🙂
Ok, so what in the heck am I trying to say here?! I’m trying to say that because of my busy mind, my nonstop to-do lists, my lack of devotional time, my fatigue, and honestly, my pure laziness, my thought process is now being led by my feelings. Our feelings differ from day to day so how can we trust them? We can’t! The popular saying is “follow your heart….” NO! Do not follow your heart! My heart is telling me to lay down and nap and then eat chocolate cake everyday but that would accomplish nothing. We have to learn how to live beyond our feelings and do what’s right even when we feel wrong.The Bible says ‘The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it?’ (Jeremiah 17:9) and ‘Whoever trusts in his own mind is a fool, but he who walks in wisdom will be delivered.’ (Proverbs 28:26).
My feeling of insecurities and worry will continue to dictate my decisions unless I do something to control them. I need to be spending more time with God, listening to His voice, not the voice of my feelings, and following His direction, not following what my feelings are telling me. I’ve learned to let what the Bible says dictate my decisions. I’ve set my mind to be a blessing to others and make right choices that honor God, regardless of what I am feeling. I’ve made the decision to tell myself everyday that no matter how I am feeling, I am a beautiful daughter of the King, He created me so wonderfully, has filled me with His spirit so that I can pour out into the lives of those who need Him, He can and will use me as a vessel for His light to shine through, to further His kingdom, and I will tell my feelings to take a seat and heck yes I can do what God has called me to do, because He doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
