Please note: I’ve been working on this post for about a week now, which is a really strange concept for me. I’m so used to “getting feels” and then blogging right away, almost as a way for me to work through what I’m feeling and then move on. I got about half way through this blog last week, and basically got writers block and haven’t been able to come back to this until now, but I felt like it was important to finish and publish. Just wanted to throw that out there.
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Originally, I was going to write about my awful sunburn that is now ridiculously itchy and peeling and how it reminds me of the woman in Matthew 9 who reaches out and touches Jesus, and about how incredible it is that Jesus heals not only physical pain and illness, but also heals hearts and forgives sin.
But that’s not what’s really on my heart right now.
It’s Sunday night, and I’m alone in my apartment, as I will be for most of the summer. I’ve been working a lot, which is exhausting, but it’s good to have something to do so I’m not just sitting at home all day. I start my TESOL practicum tomorrow, which is also going to be really nice (especially because I will hopefully be able to use some of my training in potential teaching situation we encounter on the Race). But currently, I feel pretty lonely, and in thinking about what I wanted to share in this post, I came to the conclusion that I associate loneliness with meaninglessness. Let me explain: I have this (really nasty) habit of gaining my sense of meaning and purpose from the people in my life. I’ve struggled with this my entire life, both in terms of self confidence (aka I’m only smart/kind/cool/pretty/etc. if you say I am) and in terms of purpose (aka I only matter when you spend time with me). I gain validity from my interactions with other people.
Another reason that I think I’m making this loneliness/meaningless connection is that I truly believe that God has called me to serve him by serving his people; this is one of the reasons I feel called to the Race, to teaching, to be a wife and mother, and so on and so forth. And right now, I think God is calling me to serve Him by being faithful in this more or less interaction-less season of life, and to serve him by faithfully finishing the season I’m in right now. Summer, especially in a college town that practically empties the day after graduation, is a strange time. It’s a quiet time, and if you know me, you know that I’m not used to quiet. I’m used to constant action, constant people, and constantly feeling like I’m being fulfilled because of my interactions and relationships.
And let me tell you: If you’re anything like I am, you probably (and hopefully) know just how toxic this can be to your spirit and your life and your joy and your understanding of who the Father really is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not at all bad to love being around people or to love the rejuvenation you get from solid interactions. God did not make us to be alone or to spend our lives in solitude. He knew that we would need community. But the problem comes when you (read: when I) give people the voice and authority that belongs to God. The problem comes when I make people the end all be all voice in my life. This becomes a problem for a couple reasons.
1. Humans are fallible. People are not always going to tell me what I need to hear, and sometimes they’ll tell me things I shouldn’t hear. Humans get it wrong, and when I’m putting so much pressure on the people in my life to make me feel fulfilled, one or both parties is going to end up disappointed.
2. God is a jealous god and the voice of ultimate power and authority in my life, and the life on anyone who claims they follow God, belongs to him and him alone. As much as it makes me cringe to admit it, when I turn to other people for my validity and purpose, I make those people my idol. I make those people my god and my authority. Exodus 20:3 states that we shall have no other gods before the Lord. I am putting the voice of others above the voice of God.
3. The only one who has the power to designate a purpose for something is the Creator of that thing. If I was an inventor and created something, I am the one who gets to designate what that invention does, what purpose it shall serve, and why it is important. No one else can proclaim those things over my invention, because it’s mine. And I am God’s. He is the only one that gets to designate my purpose and give my life importance. And you know the cool thing? My God has known me long before I was born… long before I was even a thought in someone’s mind (Psalm 139:13). He’s known me since before the world was created. He’s known me for always. And he’s known my purpose for always. There has never been a doubt in his mind as to the purpose and direction of my life, even when all I’m doing (read: when all I feel like I’m doing) is working or going to school.
2016 is going to be a grand adventure, and I’m beyond excited. I will have the change to seek God in the hustle and bustle, the community, the craziness. But for now, for the seemingly lonely days and nights, I want to seek God in the quiet. I want to seek His purpose for me through the drudgery of school and work, because even though I’m not explicitly preaching the Gospel, I actually am; I’m preaching the Gospel with my actions, my interactions, and my words. I need to remember that my “calling” doesn’t start the day I get off that plane in our first country of eleven; my “calling” started long before today. And that is the glory, the mystery, the grandeur, of our God; the one and only one who can give us true purpose and fulfillment. This is the banner under which I want to walk and live out my days, whether those days are spent in school, at work, or in a foreign country.
