Now being home for 5 months after experiencing the world through new eyes on an adventures Passport trip I am still finding it difficult to find the Lord. I am being honest when I say that seeking the Lord in this country is much harder that finding him in Thailand or Cambodia. Being in ministry full time and being surrounded by others who desire to grow you, pushes your faith like none other (in a great way). Coming home is different. It’s difficult. I am no longer with my team of now life long friends who encourage me daily. And I feel like God has maybe taken a step back. I have told a few close friends about my struggles with this and continuously got the question, “well shouldn’t it be easier to find him in this country where there isn’t as much darkness as those places?”. The question made me ponder so much, realizing that how we view our country compared to others is completely false. Although our country has one of the largest christian populations in the world, the darkness is still here. The evil one just presents it so differently. In these developing countries the darkness is wide out in the open, here it’s extremely subtle. The devil believes that he can fool us, keep us distracted. Here He keeps us from the Lord with business and the worst part is that He uses Distractions like family, friends, school! Now I’m not saying that spending time with any of these is bad! These are all fantastic things that Lord has given us; but when do we realize that these things can be keeping us from being with the Lord? It’s all fun and games until you find out that Jesus is being forgotten. That’s right, forgotten. I don’t ever want to say that I forget Jesus but I do! It’s a terrible thought, to think that I forget the most important part of my life! Sad to say that being off the ministry field has made me focus on earthly things instead of eternal things! Lately the Lord has been reminding me how I can’t go a day without his presence and that if I search and seek him out, I can feel his presence even in this country! Hebrews 12:1-3 says, “Therefore since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart!”. I love this scripture!! I love that it says that we have a race marked out for us, and it’s incredible to think that Jesus is waiting for us at the finish line like the best father waiting to congratulate their child with arms open wide. He endured so much for his children and yet this verse says to use that so that you will not grow weary or lose heart. Reading this scripture, I realized I had lost heart. I was “looking” everywhere for Jesus, asking without any faith that he would “reveal himself”…… I didn’t pray and seek him. I practically expected to have Jesus ride up to me on a horse telling me that I get to go back to Thailand and experience him all over again. The Lord has been teaching me that He doesn’t want me to experience Him the same way again. He want me to experience Him in a new way! A way where I have to learn to trust Him. A way where I need to put in the work. A relationship can not be one sided. Even my relationship with Jesus Christ! I am learning that I want and have a deep and growing desire to search, to wonder, and know more about my savior! I don’t just want to be acquainted with him, I want mine and his relationship to be tight! Closer than anything else! He may have made Himself so clear to me on the mission field, but I’ve learned that sometimes, He is just waiting for us to run the race and meet him at at the end with his arms open wide.
