I was just beginning the writing of this blog when I missed the “u” button when writing out “Jesus” and I saw my name sitting there right before my eyes. Yes, I’m 23 and have realized that Jesus’ name and my name have a lot of similarities (the first three letters to be exact), but after that typo I just couldn’t shake what it meant to me.
My whole life I’ve found myself guilty of wanting to do things on my own. Whether it comes from building or making a project at home (“dad, I can do it just show me how”) to dealing with my feelings (“it’s just a small hiccup in your life Jess – you got this”). A blessing or a burden – something that has been revealed to me in pieces all throughout the year thus far.
I have been kicking the “yoU” out of my JesUs for many years now. Why Jessica? But you’ve been a Christian for sooo long! Haha, well… it’s because I am strong enough to handle all the things. I’m built to last. I’m able to take care of myself. Jess has this. Jess is strong. Jess is powerful. Jess is in control. False, these are all LIES.
I’ve always leaned on the Lord when it came to “HARD” things and this is something that people have seen consistent throughout my life/adulthood. When it came to mental, physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse that I encountered throughout my life, I tried my HARDEST for the LONGEST to handle it all. Until one day, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I finally gave it and myself to Jesus and THEN only then was I safe and could move onward and upward.
But Jess, that’s what it’s all about. The Lord saved you from your hardships – you did indeed go to Him in your time of need. That’s what all good Christians do and that’s how you point people to Him! True and false.
I have gone to Him in my time of DIRE need. I ONLY came to Him when I personally thought that death was my only other option. It was Jesus or death. It was the adding of “U” or the taking away of the “J.E.S.S.” I came to Him at each and every one of my breaking points. I was called stupid for 15 years, Jesus stepped in and showed me how He viewed me. I was physically beaten by one that I loved deeply; Jesus gently called me His loved and chosen daughter. I was sexually abused by a boy that I thought was my best friend, Jesus taught me that I wasn’t in the wrong to not want that and the physical relationship IS for marriage because it is made for love. I experienced my first deep heartbreak, He physically carried me to where I would look back in my dreams and see only one set of footprints while holding His hand.
Those four instances are my biggest breaking points. The breaking points that catapulted my spiritual walk and thus brought me to where I’m at now (traveling stinkin’ INDIA!) But those are just four times in my life. Yes there are more that are semi-dramatic enough to be life shifting, but the point is this; I’ve been waiting to be in need in order to call on Him. I’ve been waiting for the Lord to break me in another way in order for me to experience Him in the same ways I’ve experienced Him during all those other times. I want to feel carried by Him, the gentle touch of my heavenly Father, to be reminded of how I’m valued and how wise I can be when relying on Him. I want to be me again to the point where I never lose it. I’ve always felt that way when I’m closest to HIM, but again, I just kept waiting.
There are thousands of days in-between those dramatic scenarios of our lives. Those are the days that I’ve taken the “U” out of my relationship with Jesus and just relied on Jess. This is part of the reason why I came on a yearlong mission trip; to learn what it is that’s not clicking within me, that’s not steady. I’m perfectly aware that there are days that I don’t show the Love of Christ even remotely. There are times that I act out of selfishness and don’t think about those that are around me that need/want as well. This results from me focusing on Jess – and not what Jesus has in store during that day, that moment, and with those people. J.E.S.S. focused and not J.E.S.U.S. focused.
The race is teaching me all of this and gosh, so much more (fam, I eat stuff that looks like vomit WITH MY FINGERS literally shoving it into my face and I love it haha.) This post was originally going to be about homesickness and how real it’s been lately. The Lord quickly revealed that it was indeed a story about Jess and not a story about Jesus. I keep forgetting YOU Lord. How can I when I’m living in the manor that I am?! Even though more than likely you’re name isn’t Jess, where is the “U” in your Jesus? Are you inviting Him in daily or are you like me and just constantly waiting on the next thing to happen?
To all my single ladies and gents out there – it’s cool to be independent when the songs come on, but really how many times are we leaving HIM out of it just because we’re too stubborn to think that HE can have any control over anything. When in fact, He IS in control of everything. … “JesUs is strong enough to handle all the things. JesUs is built to last. JesUs is able to take care of me. JesUs has this. JesUs is strong. JesUs is powerful. JesUs is in control. True, these are all FACT.”
I’ve never been more confident, more dependent. And this my friends, this is a MUCH better feeling than getting all high and mighty when Miss Independent comes on. And trust me, I LUH dat song.
(Left to right: U.S., Uganda, Rwanda, Ethiopia, Malaysia, Indonesia, Thailand, Cambodia, India)
