Hello all!
For those of you that check in often, I know it’s been awhile since I blogged last. Actually, I had blogged while at work a couple weeks ago and tried to add a picture unsuccessfully, in result losing all that I had typed out and it was time to go. I took that as a sign that God didn’t want me to talk about what it was that I was typing out. Therefore, I am fairly certain that some people may want to/ need to hear what I’m typing out this time 🙂
Today I wanted to take the time to fill you in on where my heart is at and where I am thus far along this divine journey of The World Race.
Over the past month, my heart has been overwhelmed and stressed more than a typical ‘busy schedule’ for myself. For those of you that know me well, you know that I have been given a ‘go-getter’ type of mentality. In other words- I typically bite off more than I can chew (literally as well as theoretically). I set my bars high for things that I can accomplish as well as have high expectations for my performance in ANY area of life. Therefore, when I fall short in any if not multiple, I become overwhelmed, unsatisfied, and stressed out. You see, I have found this trait of mine to be both a positive as well as a negative attribute. I don’t let myself quit often, but I also over-exhaust myself too often. I never settle for less than I am striving for, but I also miss out on other opportunities in the process. My goal in my days is to benefit other people’s lives throughout the day, but in the process at times my quality of life tends to go down. I am all about taking care of myself and ‘treating’ myself, but when it comes down to it, if I’m putting out more than I’m taking in from myself I get run down.
Why is she so overwhelmed and stressed? I currently have four jobs. “FOUR JOBS?!” you’re probably asking yourself. Followed by, “this girl is absolutely insane and is probably going to kill herself” because these are responses I hear all the time. And you’re right. You’re right about both of those. I am insane, I bite off more than I can chew CONSTANTLY, but I also love what I do (at least most parts of what I do). And I am killing myself, not literally, but emotionally and mentally. I have lost some sleep and when I do have a break from work, all I really desire is to sleep. My social life has gone down- meaning I miss out on those moral support pep-talks with close friends of mine. A part of my personality is to be there for my friends and to socialize, so I have naturally felt not quite myself since this aspect is missing. Texting just isn’t the same!
The most challenging part of having multiple jobs is sometimes you spread yourself too thin. As I stated before, I enjoy doing the best that I can do at whatever it is I’m doing. If I’m not passionate about it, I won’t do well at it, and therefore I typically decide it’s not worth my time or effort to become better AT that particular thing. Starting two new jobs at the same time while balancing another job was something new for me. Usually people are smart enough to stagger the starting dates a little wiser, however, sometimes you just don’t have any control over when companies actually do their hiring and call you back. Because of this, I was trying to learn two new systems, a new menu, all about wine (since I had been on covenant all my years of college, I knew very little about wine), and how to balance a schedule of three jobs all at once. I was coming up short on a lot of things: knowledge of the job(s), speaking etiquette, confrontation skills, confidence, sleep, friend time, even my family life changed a lot because now I live there for free, but can’t offer much since I’m rarely home and when I am, I’m sleeping.
My fourth job was added on when I promised a friend to make her a custom dress FOREVER ago, and then when it finally came to having all the supplies I needed, I was just getting into the three jobs and never having a break. When I did have a break, I took it for granted and slept the day away. I was coming up short in yet another field of something that I enjoyed and took pride in.
I love what I do because I try to only do what I love. I love working with brides on finding their perfect dress, I love sewing and designing, I love being able to be at the gym at 4:30 am to see my ‘regulars’ and to get that ‘free’ gym membership in order to actually achieve my passion of working out, I also love the food at the restaurant that I work at, not to mention feel passionate about an American winery and learning more about how that’s made. You see, I am explaining why I enjoy these jobs because that is why I haven’t been able to quit any of them. The serving job is my money maker, the sewing job is my passion as is the bridal job, the gym job is beneficial and an outlet for me to meet more people. If I got rid of one, I would miss it in more ways than just one.
I started to look for multiple jobs because I feel responsible. Responsible to make as much money as I can to support myself on this trip. In reflection, that shows me that I may not be trusting in the Lord like I should be in providing the suppliers I need in order to fund this trip. At times I catch myself thinking about how many people have seen me post about needing funds and I question why only a handful have physically donated. I feel responsible to be just as much of a burden on myself as I feel I am for others in the financial means for this trip. My thought process is that if I ask you to do it, I must do it first to show you that I don’t just want handouts. I know that this is wrong of me, and in the process of reflection I feel silly. I put pressure on myself to please all of these earthly people not just in my jobs but in my fundraising as well and in result, I have fogged my focus on pleasing the One true person to please.
This is where my heart has been struggling on this long but oh-so-worthwhile journey of this mission trip. I do strongly believe that God breaks us down in order to build us up as well as in order to bring us closer to others. Please, I pray that you continue to journey with me on this path and that you pray for calmness and understanding in my heart as I continue to juggle my current positions. I pray that God blesses you in ways that you have never imagined. I pray for my brothers and sisters that don’t know Christ yet because I know that this journey of life would be much more difficult without Him. Thank you sincerely for your time you have spent today looking over my 1100 and some words today. This is why I don’t have a twitter, 140 characters just isn’t enough 🙂
GOD BLESS <3
