As a twenty-two year old bible college graduate who is credentialed with the Assemblies of God and is now traveling the world as a missionary, I still question how well I hear God’s voice. Though I was born and raised in the church and always made very aware of truth, who God is, and how he feels about me- I still wonder if he speaks more readily to others or if they hear his voice more clearly than I do. This has proven difficult when making life decisions of any sort, because my initial response is to trust the voices of the godly people surrounding me rather than my own, Holy Spirit led gut. I don’t doubt that they hear from God, and because of that, they must know what’s best for me.
So when my squad was presented with the news that we had a route change, which involved each team praying and choosing whether to go to Sri Lanka or Indonesia, I was more than ready to let them make that decision without me. I trusted they would hear from God.
Our route changed because the last World Race squad to apply for visas to China were denied and our ministry hosts in Mongolia fell through. What was initially scheduled as two weeks in Malaysia, one month in Mongolia, and one month in China was changed to three weeks in Malaysia, three weeks in Sri Lanka or Indonesia, and three weeks in Thailand.
Right when the announcement was made my heart was pulled towards Indonesia. I believed this was because of a college friendship with Kelly Pollick, who grew up in Indonesia, and because we had missionaries speak at my college who talked about Indonesia and showed videos of the country and its people. In my head, I thought I was biased and refused to let this influence our decision.
While I was initially drawn to Indonesia, the rest of my team was initially drawn to Sri Lanka. One of our squad leaders asked us which country we were initially drawn to and I blurted out, “Indonesia!” and then learned the rest of my team’s answer was Sri Lanka. This hit hard. I was highly influenced by the fact that they desired Sri Lanka, but deep down I knew we were called to make this decision as a team, which required my participation, because I am a part of the team.
When it came time to pray together and make the final decision, I was all in. We set aside a time to pray and the plan was to anonymously vote at the end. I wrote in my journal, “I release China and Mongolia. I release Indonesia. I want what you have for us. What do you have for us, God? What is going to bring the most healing? For us and others? I don’t want what’s best for just me, I want what’s best for my entire team. God, I doubt my ability to hear your voice, to speak out, to be your vessel. I break the need I feel to defend myself, my wants, my voice. I believe you will defend me. I want to be where you have for my team and I. I don’t want there to be an ounce of selfishness in my decision.”
Thus began the internal battle. In my head, I could see the words Sri Lanka and Indonesia. Sri Lanka was above Indonesia and and was written much bigger. This led me to believe Sri Lanka was the answer. The rest of my team was right and had already heard from God, but as I continued to pray, something shifted.
I wrote (about Indonesia), “I can see the roads and the people’s faces. Maybe it’s because I only connect with what I feel. Which is scary. But I have a connection. The image of the people and scenery connects me to it, but I don’t know about my team. I have a feeling they are opposite from me, but maybe what I’m learning is to speak up even if it’s different.”
That’s when the words in my head changed to Indonesia being above and bigger. I told God that I knew what he was speaking to me even if he wasn’t speaking it to anyone else and that I would raise my hand for Indonesia even if I was the only one. I was convinced the rest of my team would vote for Sri Lanka. When it came time to vote, I started balling. I was balling because I believed I would stand alone.
Our translator, Fenosoa, had joined us to count the votes. She had us close our eyes and raise our hand for either Sri Lanka or Indonesia. Once we had voted she said, “I think you should just go to Indonesia because you all voted for Indonesia,” to which my response was balling even harder. The vote was unanimous. Two of us didn’t vote but had prayed for unity in the decision, and four of us, three of which had initially wanted to go to Sri Lanka, voted for Indonesia.
This taught me a valuable truth- God speaks to me, too. My team, who is very Spirit led and clearly hears the voice of the Lord, heard the same thing as I did, because he spoke to all of us. I honestly can’t describe how much this moved me. My prayer is that I no longer doubt that God speaks to me and that hopefully this reminds you God speaks to you, too.
