Ever since I was a young boy my father had a focus on raising my 2 brothers and I to become men. When we each turned 12 years old the birthday was very special. It was a time where we were each called into manhood, for ourselves, our future wives and most of all men of God. I can still recall my 12th birthday vividly, all the wisdom that I heard and empowering nature of it all. Most of all, I remember my father’s intentionality and desire to initiate me into manhood, a thing that rarely happens in our modern world cultures. I have a father who treated me as a son. The ball was now in my court, I have been given the knowledge and opportunity to pursue this, I could act as a son.
Over the next 10 years life hit me with everything from fear of rejection, performance driven mentalities, a failed relationship, pride, passivity, lust, and dishonesty. All the while I grew up in the church and tried harder and harder to win God’s approval. To be clear, I was not thinking I had to earn my salvation, I have always known that Christ covered that when I became a believer. Instead, I felt like I could never do enough for God to feel He was satisfied with me. These played out through all of my life until High School graduation and then into the Air Force. That fear of rejection made me strive to perform and win over everyone I knew, my was goal was to be someone everyone looked up to, laughed with, and wanted to be like.
The entire time, however, I was completely blind to most these things. I considered them to be normal struggles that I might never be free of. In the military I found the perfect environment to embrace pride while appearing humble and my performance mentality went crazy to appear perfect. That is until God started to allow storms to rock the sandy foundation I had built my life on. I had someone at work who constantly degraded me, I lost a relationship I relied upon for my identity, and on top of all that, my truck was stolen. God was waking me up to a reality so much more than I ever dreamed, a life where I acted like a son.
In the middle of all this, the bible study I was attending was in need of a new leader, since the current one was moving. Since I had an interest and time available, I was asked to co-lead a bible study. To which my “orphan-like” heart of performance felt, “God would probably be happier with me then.” God however used it for something much greater. It was a way to dive deep into studying the bible and pursuit of God in prayer. Little did I know, this would be a huge catalyst of change in my life. From then until I left San Antonio, God used the other co-leader, Charles, and that group of men as a pillar of community in my life. Men who encouraged me to keep pursuing the Lord and directing me to Him for guidance.
Over that time God started to involve me in a few ministries from prayer team to college group at Grace Point Church, where I attended in San Antonio. I felt so emboldened by the Holy Spirit to share my story with whoever would listen, and to serve wherever I could. At one point after this transformation I wondered if I should be baptised again. When I was baptised at 13, frankly I mostly did it because my friends all did it. I was saved, but I never really let anything be put to death in my selfish desires. Now that I was actually living a life as a disciple of Christ, I felt as though I should. Then the subtle sin I fell into before returned, the fear of man over the fear of God. The thought of what others would think if I was baptised, after already serving as a small group leader and even being asked by someone to baptise them! So, I ignored the urge and continued to allow this concern with man over God to exist in my life. This sin was so subtle I didn’t even realize it existed to the extent that it did. That is… until I came on the World Race.
If you want to read about the crazy way God called me on the Race, you can read all about it in my first blog post. Also, if you want to read about the rough start in Cambodia you can read about it in my earlier blogs as well. To sum up the last 4 months of my life, I have been dying. Dying to myself in many ways every day and every month. Giving up things I once thought I had a right to have, my culture, a relationship, and my right to be liked by everyone, while being fully obedient to God. I have listened to hundreds of sermons, studied the bible, attended seminars, gone to classes, and constantly sought out knowledge of the things of God. The only problem is that my heart didn’t always believe it. I could regurgitate responses to people asking me for advice in a situation, but it was not often something I experienced. The Race is the opposite, I have been experiencing things I couldn’t fully explain in words. But my heart knowledge of my Father has been growing bigger and bigger.
I was in the Philippines at the end of last month and God put baptism back on my heart. I was faced once again with that fear of man. What would my parents think? The people at Grace Point? Most of all… you, the reader of this blog post. I was presented a test, to either not allow transformation to happen due to my concern that people would disagree theologically with me, or put the final nail in the coffin as I bury my fear of man. Once and for all.
I am overjoyed to say that on the 26th of January, I put my orphaned heart to death in the South China Sea and was raised in baptism to live a completely new life, AS A SON OF GOD.
“…God sent forth his Son…to redeem those who were under the law, so that we might receive adoption as sons. And because you are sons, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, crying, ”Abba! Father!” So you are no longer a slave, but a son, and if a son, then an heir through God. – Galatians 4:4-7
Over the last month in Zimbabwe, Africa I have experienced tests in this area immediately followed by an explosion of love from the Father as He shows me who I am and where He is taking me. I will be elaborating more about the ministry here in other blog posts, so keep an eye out for them!
Yours in Christ,
Andy
