“I want more of your heart, Father”
If only I knew the depth of what that prayer actually meant when I prayed it back in June. The hurt, the relentless pursuit, being used, the love. I had no idea what I was getting myself into when I wrote those seven simple words in my journal. And here I am today, four months later, unable to fully put into words the depth and magnitude of what I’ve gone through since that little (big) prayer.
With more of His heart comes deeper feelings. Papa longs for intimacy. He desires us to step into our identity. He is our Comforter. But what happens when we don’t reciprocate the longing for deeper intimacy? What happens when we walk in brokenness when He wants to be there to walk us in truth and life? What happens when we get our comfort from worldly things? There are tears. He hurts for us. There’s rejection. Imagine your spouse not wanting to grow together and going to other people for love and comfort. Father deals with that on a daily basis.
At some point in our lives we’ve all had that one friend that seems to just dump their drama and feelings onto you. They vent for a while, then they say “wow, I feel so much better, thanks.” And then they leave. They never ask how you’re doing; a lot of the time they don’t even want a response or some sort of advice. After a while it gets a little old, doesn’t it? Now imagine every single one of your Facebook friends does that to you, every day. Carrying other’s emotions becomes a burden. There are tears, sadness, excitement, loneliness, joy, peace. It’s a constant whirlwind. So many of us do this to God. We bring Him our problems, vent, ask for things, then we say “amen” and move on with our lives. We don’t wait to hear what He has to say, we don’t ask questions, we don’t spend time listening to Him.
They say you don’t get a glimpse into Papa’s unconditional love and faithfulness until you become a parent…or alumni lead on the world race. Our parents love us no matter what we do, whether we choose to go to them or run the other way. They are faithful to us, pursuing us with all they have, even when we constantly rebel and ignore. On the worst of days, parents will still say “I love you” and give you a hug.
Father rejoices when his children desire to spend time with Him. He wants a relationship, and when we want the same thing, He is abundantly joyful! He delights in us. Parents feel so loved when their kids actually go to them to spend time together, to ask questions, and to get advice on things they’re struggling with. Parents feel even more loved when their kids are grateful for all that they do. When we actually spend time with Papa listening, thanking, pursuing…it lights up His world. When we choose to do righteous things, he is a proud Dad.
Here I am, two months into being back out on the field with this team, and I’ve experienced all of this. With His heart comes more emotions. Joy. Rejection. Peace. Tears. Smiles. Mercy. Compassion. Laughter. Carrying other people’s burdens. Proud moments seeing the growth in people’s lives. Loving people that want my love. Loving people that could care less. Loving people that want nothing to do with what I have to say. Loving all with all my heart.
It’s amazing, actually, to see what it’s like to have His eyes and heart for people. No matter what happens, my love for the people in front of me doesn’t diminish. That would not have been the case before I prayed those seven words. God is continuing to reveal more of His heart and the depth of His heart. It’s preparing me for the future and all that He has for me. It’s not always easy, but it’s so worth it to see people step out in faith and grow closer to God. It’s worth building intimacy with my Heavenly Father.
