“The Lord is my Shepard, I shall not want. He makes me lie down in green pastures. He leads me beside still waters. He restores my soul. He leads me in paths of righteousness for His name’s sake.” Psalm 23.
These verses have been in my head on repeat lately. They sound so sweet. And ultimately they are! But what about the times you don’t want to lie down in green pastures, and He makes you anyways?
Sounds silly, I know. But take a second to picture it with me – you’re this young and fun girl who loves adventure, exploring, outdoors and hiking. You’re about to walk 130+ miles across El Camino de Santiago, Spain with a group of all-aged, fun strangers. And all of a sudden you get an infection under your toenail and can no longer walk. So you have to start busing through El Camino. Busing. Through El *Camino.* Translated “The WALK.” Not El Autobus. And it’s restful and you’re still surrounded by beauty and all that good stuff, but you didn’t sign up for ‘rest,’ you signed up for challenge and you signed up to walk.
Lately the Lord has been bringing up some insecurities from within me that I didn’t realize I still struggled in. Specifically, my need to prove myself. Not necessarily to others but to myself. I’ve always feared being perceived as this “cute, little Ky” whose cheeks you want to pinch but isn’t really capable of too much. But I know that I am capable, I know that I can keep up with the big boys. Just watch, I’ll prove it.
This week I have not been capable. In fact, my ability has been taken away completely.
A few years ago the Lord opened my eyes to the way He has chosen me and allowed me to be a vessel for Him despite how my worldly eyes may see myself. He engraved 1 Corinthians 1 on my heart, “For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God. And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption.”
But sometimes I forget this…
This morning as I was waiting for the bus with my favorite Finish friend Kitty, she asked me a pretty hard question. Kitty has also had to take the bus the past couple days because of a rash she developed on her legs.
“I’ve been wanting to ask you,” she said, “how are you handling riding the bus? I’ve been struggling. I’ve been wondering if it is ok for me to take this bus, or if I should feel like I’m cheating. I’ve struggled to tell other people I’m taking the bus. I keep wondering if I need to go forward, go to the doctor and then come back to make sure I walk it all. Do you feel wrong? Do you feel like you’re doing enough?”
“I understand that more than you know.” I said. “It’s been hard! Lately the Lord’s been showing me how much I still live out of a place of needing to prove myself to myself. I didn’t even realize it. But this past week my capability has been taken away. And as hard as that’s been, this week the Lord’s been showing me that who I am has nothing to do with what I’m capable of. Who I am is who I am despite what I can do, and how He sees me is how He sees me regardless of my worldly accomplishments. And it’s the craziest, sweetest thing. He’s showing me that when I live out of a place of proving myself, I’m not claiming the identity He’s already given me. A daughter of the the one true God, one chosen by the King of kings. Royal, righteous, worthy, and enough. As hard as this lesson is (because I’m still learning it!) it’s a lesson I would never trade. And I know that I wouldn’t have been able to learn this lesson while walking. At least not in the same way.”
Kitty went on to share how she’s been starting to see that she’s also been living out of that same place of trying to prove herself to herself. But how she can also feel a work being done within her heart. A new foundation being set in her foundation. (Thank you, Jesus!) And she’s thankful, because she knows this is the Camino she needs.
Sometimes lying down in green pastures doesn’t start out as sweet as you’d think it’d be. But sometimes He has to make you lie down so you can see the green pasture you’re in. And sometimes, He uses your lying down to show others the value in it as well! And eventually, He’ll get you back up and lead you beside those still waters. And when you finally surrender to it all, the restoration that comes, oh it’s even sweeter then you’d imagine.
I’m just $580 from being fully funded before going home! The Lord has been so gracious in showing off His provision thus far. All prayers and willingness to financially joining this journey would be SO appreciated!
I’m currently raising funds through my World Race page, as well as at https://www.youcaring.com/kyleekrusemark-1003447 for some help in getting back on my feet as this year and a half mission comes to an end!
