In preparation for The World Race I was required to go down to Gainesville, GA where the Adventures in Missions headquarters is located and participate in a Training Camp for 10 days. I got to finally meet the other 54 people who I will be traveling and living with for the next 11 months. We are called “N Squad”. Adventures in Missions labels each squad with a letter from the alphabet. We are the 4th generation N Squad. We all bonded over our love for Christ and the desire to live out His calling for our lives. We slept in 90 degree weather in our tents, took bucket showers, hand-washed our clothes, and practiced different cultural customs.
The first couple days of Training Camp were rough for me. I had expectations and a chip on my shoulder. I probably cried almost every day. Crying gives you a serious headache but feels so good to do. I realized that I have an underlying problem with trusting people. Based on my track record it usually takes me at least a year to open up to someone. Sounds silly when I write it but it’s a sad truth for me. I was surrounded by a great group of God-loving people and I couldn’t bring myself to intimately know them. I was so frustrated. I was holding on to a lot of pent up hurt and anger. All of these feelings caused me to set a lot of boundaries. I was confining myself into a box. An example would be my rule of not playing games when it came to hanging out with someone. Someone said they wanted to hang out with me, it was up to them to reach out to me and make plans. I would rather they put themselves out there than myself. If they never reached out I would see it as rejection and “brush it off”.
I tell people I am an introvert. I start to use “I am an introvert” as an excuse for not getting to know people. It’s silly. I have missed out on getting to know some great people. An example would be that my senior year of college I finally let myself open up to others and now that I will be leaving for a year I have to say goodbye to some great people.
During my time at Training Camp I was reminded that in order for me to deal with this issue I needed to understand what it means to actively love someone. I know I am loved by my family and by God but I struggled with putting into words and actions of how I show love to others. Whenever someone told me they loved me it made me feel uncomfortable. I didn’t find myself worthy or I didn’t trust their feelings for me were genuine.
Learning to trust again isn’t something that can be fixed in 10 days, but I truly believe that my eyes were opened and that I have taken great strides in overcoming this fear of trusting others. I am so excited for the people that God has placed in my life. God couldn’t have chosen a better group of people to do His ministry. My squad of 55 people, 4 alumni leaders, 2 coaches, 1 mentor and 1 mobilizer are my family. They are my community. My home. My church for the next 11 months.
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