I recently realized that I am about to fill up my prayer journal. I bought this journal on an impulse at the Dollar Store towards the end of my second year of college. I was tired; spiritually I felt like I was way past empty; I did not really have much joy or even happiness in life; I was struggling with physical pain which added to the mental and emotional numbness. I remember looking at the journal thinking (with more than a little sass) that I was going to get a journal and pray in it. Maybe then God would speak to me again. I was half bitter and half desperate. Taking the advice that an old camp counselor had given me, I started recording my thoughts and prayers to God.
Lately I have been flipping through it. It’s hard to think back to that version of myself. Reading through it now, I can still feel the darkness that hung over me. This journal started off with me asking God who I was. The more I prayed the more I became aware of how miserable I was. It was not until I acknowledged that I was more than unhappy, but completely joyless that I could acknowledge that I was dissatisfied with who I was. My prayer changed. God give me joy.
It was a rough road to joy, but one of the most educational and life changing experiences I have gone through. The more I learned of the joy of the Lord, the more my prayer changed to show me who You are.
It is fitting that I am finishing up this journal as I enter the final stages before departing for the World Race. The last chapter has been painful and beautiful. This next chapter holds promises of breaking and remaking me again. Until then I will keep dwelling on Psalm 150.
