Trials… Some of the most painful seasons in my life have been the times when I grew the most. From dry seasons where I got myself into some precarious situations due to disobedience (or just plain stupidity,) to seasons wrought with pain out of pure obedience to the loving whispers of a heavenly Father who knows what is best, trials are a major part of everyones lives.
In Mark 9, when Jesus and some of the disciples came down from witnessing the transfiguration, He finds his disciples in a hazardous situation, arguing with some teachers of the law. A father has brought his son to the disciples to be healed. Upon seeing Jesus, the spirit the boy was possessed by threw him on the ground and he began to foam at the mouth. Jesus asks the father how long the boy had been like this, to which the father responded, “From childhood.” Now, lets stop right there. This boy had been tormented his entire life by this demon. The father had seen his boy whom he raised and loved deeply, almost die from being thrown into fire pits and water many times. Imagine the pain the father felt for his child. Imagine the pain the child felt from these convulsions. This had been happening his entire life, so one would think he would just accept it by now, right?
When Jesus healed the boy, “The spirit shrieked, convulsed him violently and came out. The boy looked so much like a corpse that many said, “He’s dead.” But Jesus took him by the hand and lifted him to his feet, and he stood up.” (Mark 9:26-27 NIV) This boy was just delivered from what had been tormenting him and trying to kill him for the entirety of his life, so why did he look dead after he was delivered? In an attempt to avoid a deep theological explanation about how God has already delivered us in spirit, I will just ask this simple question. Have you ever noticed that when going through a trial period, it usually is the most painful right before you’re delivered? Just like when a person is on their last set of bench press at the gym, his spotter better be there because that last rep is going to be the hardest and he may drop it. It burns and his arms and chest are about to give way but he keeps pushing. Why? Because he wants to become stronger. Without pain, there is no growth. It’s the same way spiritually. If we never go through anything in life, we would just be this superficial, naive person with shallow roots, ready to be yanked up at the first sign of a tornado. God allows trials in our lives to strengthen our faith and bring us closer to Him. When you think about it, the continuing narrative throughout the Bible is God restoring the true transparent intimacy He first had with His creation in the garden. From Mount Saini, to the Ark of the Covenant, Jesus eventually walking with us, the Holy Spirit dwelling inside us, all the way to the final marriage ceremony in Revelation. The beautiful love story of the all powerful Adonai pursing His intensely mutable creation, who would rather run and play in the mud than be with Him, is truly breathtaking.
In this recent season, I have realized just how much trials and intimacy with God go hand in hand. I have never experienced such a painful stripping away of what was not God’s will for my life like I have in the last couple of months. From totaling my dream car, stepping away from relationships, the other car, a few comfortable vices which I had come so accustomed to, even any free time which is not consumed by homework and serving, I have been forced to let go of the very things which I found my comfort, self worth, and identity in. What else did I have but God?
In this exceedingly arduous learning season I began to pursue God solely for comfort from my trials, relief from a drinking habit, and freedom from the tornado of circumstances which consumed ever corner of my mind, but what I received was so much greater. I received intimacy with God on a fresh, deeper level which I have never experienced before. I begged for crumbs, but I received a place at the table. Instead of me walking away from those things out of sheer exhaustion from the bondage, I started capturing my thoughts and pursing God when my mind would start to wander. I memorized “fighter” scriptures to replace those negative thoughts. The other day I was praying for freedom in my thoughts, I pleaded, “God I need you.” Immediately His loving voice tenderly replied, “You have me.” In that moment, the presence of God was so thick in my car I could barely hold myself together, I almost had to pull over. As I continued praying for Him to change my heart so His desires are my desires, He continued filling my heart with more of an understanding of His unfathomable love. I prayed that He would cleanse my heart, break soul ties, and purify my thought life. Reminiscing on my mindset while trudging through these last two months I begged, “God, why am I such a wreck?” His immediate response was, “I’m healing you.” I can’t express in words how much that meant to me in that moment. Instead of answering my question directly and looking back at my mistakes, like I was doing, God told me His plan for me and what He was doing in my heart. God wanted to move forward instead of making me look at my past.
This is Exactly what Jesus did with Peter in John 21. In His first interaction with Peter after he denied even knowing Jesus, He didn’t take him back to that moment or condemn him of his past, He didn’t ask him why he betrayed Him or beat him down for denying that he even knew the Christ. He gave Peter the assignment to feed the flock which he would be entrusted with. He gave Peter a mission and infused purpose and direction in his life. He gave Peter a purpose which he would eventually be crucified upside down for.
So what does this have to do with me you say? Have you ever been so beaten down by life that you felt like giving up? In times of trial we have two choices. We can either do what comes naturally to us and become depressed and downcast about our situation, or we can lean on God in our times of trial. There has been no other season of my life where the verse in 2 Cor. 12:9, ”My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness,” has been more real to me. This verse hit me in such a profound manner the other day when I read it, I kept reading it over and over again. I must have read that whole chapter ten times in an attempt to absorb context and what it was actually saying. God’s power works best when we are about to give up.
In conclusion, I think the main point of me writing this article was to help me sort through all of these thoughts in my head. Selfish right? Oh well, I have learned over this process that God’s power begins where I end. No matter what I’m going through, I can boast in the fact that I can’t do this by myself and I am comfortable with that. Learning how to lean on God when I don’t understand is a painful process, but it is so good. So, so good. There is peace and joy there because the pressure to perform is taken off. My shoulders are light, my mind is calm, and my heart is at peace.
I want to leave you with a few questions to ponder. What are you seeking first? What is your heart focused on? Are you trying to run from your problems, or run to God? When you pray, are you only seeking relief from your problems, or are you seeking true intimacy with the Father? True freedom is not the absence of a drug addiction, codependency, bad habits or negative mindsets, true freedom is seeking God on a deeper level. True freedom is letting God transform your heart so you don’t have to struggle with your sin anymore. True freedom isn’t getting away from the symptoms, it is a pursuit of God and everything He has for you, instead of our petty worldly desires. True freedom is intimacy with God, so quit begging for crumbs, that’s not what you were designed for. You are a son or daughter of the King, take your rightful seat at the banquet table.
