If you could have anything or do anything what would it be? What is your biggest dream?
My biggest dream/prayer has always been to someday be married, and would love nothing more than to be useful in my relationship and to fulfill the original design. As I sit and wait for that day I could be joined with my husband I have been praying for, I get a choice to be content or to be unsettled. If I am honest, half the time I feel like finding the next man I meet and just making it work. But then my heart cries out NO! I am so overwhelmed with the wait. Am I good enough to be married? Am I pretty enough for a man to even think that I am pretty? Maybe I should lose more weight? Maybe I should change cities? The countless thoughts of am I doing enough on my part. As if God needs my help answering my prayers.
There have been many struggles I have been walk through in the process of waiting. I know that this walk with the Lord was not going to be easy but I did not imagine the amount of levels and stages of finding freedom in His name. It’s like putting on a mud mask, after letting it sit for 15 minutes, you go to wash it off. You have to rinse and rinse and rinse until all the mud is off. That’s what I feel that God has been doing with me. Washing me over and over. It causes me to think what else is unclean in me. What else do I need to surrender to my Beloved Jesus, search me and know my heart, know every part of me?
This is what the Lord says in responds to my many question and response to my prayers, “There is an occasion for everything and a time for activity under heaven. You’re enough for me. I love you with and everlasting Love. I have great purpose for you my daughter, trust in me and lean not on your own understanding.” As I am more aware of how much God truly loves me for who I am, and see the women I am becoming in His timing.
I have fallen victim to the comments like “are you ready to settle down” or “when are you going to get married” and “so is there a man in your life”. As a 36 year old single women, the world says that certain things should of happen for me by now, and that because if hasn’t there must be something wrong with you. And for the longest time that has been my biggest struggle. For years I would cry with friends, and my spiritual leaders over the fact that God must not love me or that I am just not “good enough” to allow me to have a dream come true.
As I became more aware of my identity being in Christ rather in who or what the world says I should or should not have by now. I found so much freedom! I have trusted God enough to take an 11 month mission trip around South America without knowing who I would be traveling with or where I would lay my head each night. Even now, I have been traveling the United States for the last six months, sharing about His great love. The amount of healing that has taken place while getting to live out some pretty awesome adventures. There are not enough words.
I am confident in knowing that I belong to God, and that He loves me so much not to leave mud on my face. As He wipes away that mud it reveals the diamond that has always been there. As I start to treat myself like that diamond that I am its only then that God’s standard becomes more important than the standard of the world.
I have hope in God that He knows my hearts desires, and wants to give me the desires of my heart. I trust my Father in heaven to keep leading me to people and place that need to know about His great love. I have hope that someday I will be married to a man on earth, but for the mean time, I am going enjoy every moment with the one that calls me His bride, his name is Jesus!
