I keep trying to find a life
On my own, apart from You
I am the king of excuses
I’ve got one for every selfish thing I do
Years ago I found myself in a state of mistaken identity. I was surrounded by a changing world around me, and not fully aware of my place in this life. Although I was fully present, I was internally withdrawing. I found myself seeking comfort. Instead of seeking comfort, from a God that loves me without any condition, I would seek comfort in the darkness, where it was just me. The darkness, came in the form of prongraphy and masterbation. So what felt good for a moment in my life, ended in me feeling even more lost and confused and feeling more alone. Yet it was a voice that I could not seem to silence in my head, that kept telling me that “it’s OK, it’s not a big deal.” That voice, I have tried fighting on my own for so long, but it didn’t make any difference until I was broken enough to surrender it all to God, allowing Him to walk me into the light of His grace.
What’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a Savior
“Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”
Isaiah 6:5 NIV
I bought the lie, for too long that I am not worth it. The lie that it’s not that bad, and it’s too late, I am no longer pure and that no one will ever love me because of the sins I have walked in.
I always thought it was best to keep the bad things I have done hidden because if I told people they wouldn’t like me anymore. But God has/is teaching me about walking in the light of His grace and when I keep things in light there is no room for the darkness to lurk.
With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.”
Isaiah 6:7 NIV
I want to be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I want to shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light
Because I choose to walk in light, God promises to make me Holy. To make someone like ME Holy.
Here’s a thought,
Why do we stress ourselves over fear of rejection from man?
Why is the opinion of man more important than the opinion of a God who loves us unconditionally?
The disease of self runs through my blood
It’s a cancer fatal to my soul
Every attempt on my behalf has failed
To bring this sickness under control
As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: “Be holy, because I am holy.”
1 Peter 1:14?-?16 NIV
Tell me, what’s going on inside of me?
I despise my own behavior
This only serves to confirm my suspicions
That I’m still a man in need of a Savior
It’s only when I started to realize that my Father in Heaven’s opinion of me is most important that I can be free. He gives me this picture:
ME laying on the floor feeling the weight of my sin, and my Beloved Jesus coming taking me by both hands lifting me up and dusting me off. Taking his hand to my face, He lifts my chin up, and ever so gently turns my face towards this amazing light. Never letting go of my hand we started walking toward the Holy light.
Because I am holding on to my Beloved’s hand and the light of His holiness leads, the words of the world around me, the opinions of man, begin to fade. All that is left is the holy truth of who I am in the eyes of my Beloved Savior!
I have scars but so does Jesus.
Honesty becomes me
[There’s nothing left to lose]
The secrets that did run me
[In Your presence are defused]
Pride has no position
[And riches have no worth]
The fame that once did cover me
[Has been sentenced to this Earth]
Has been sentenced to this Earth
So who am I…
I am a beautiful creation
I am a daughter of a King
I am worthy
I am pure
I am worthy of love
I am worthy of loving others
I am a women created with purpose
I am His!
I have started speaking these and so many other Truths over my life. I am no longer defined or ashamed of the journey I have been on because it’s a journey that brought me to the feet of Jesus. It’s the journey that has brought me into community. It’s this journey that has lead me to follow this amazing light!
For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ.
2 Corinthians 4:6 NIV
It’s the journey that God has planned and, because I walk in light, I walk in victory. Victory that was achieved by the very scars on my Beloved’s hands and feet.
I choose to walk in the light because it’s only there I am able to have God’s light shine through my scars.
I want to be in the Light
As You are in the Light
I want to shine like the stars in the heavens
Oh, Lord be my Light and be my salvation
Cause all I want is to be in the Light
All I want is to be in the Light
In the Light by DC Talk
