I see the flickering of the lights. Every inch surrounding illuminated from the soft glow. I can feel the prickly texture of the tree that is filled with hand crafted memories of my childhood. I peak at the names on the delicately, precisely wrapped gifts placed so intricately beneath its beauty. I smell the warmth of the oh so familiar candle burning throughout the fullness of our home. Accompanied by the smell, that I can almost taste, of the hand made treats that have been in preparation for countless days beforehand. I feel the love that invites you in and captures you with a warm hug. I sense the joy carried by everyone around me as we await the day to come. I hear the familiar sound of my favorite tune and tap my foot to the captivating beat as a smile sweeps my face. I look outside to be mesmerized by the trickling down of snowflakes. Perfect timing.
The day has come. The day I have been captured in thought by for over a year. The day I have so intimately dreamed of. I have longed to be back to familiar surroundings, traditions and memories. But, I’m not there. Its nothing like I had planned. Its nothing like I remembered it being. Its nothing that I wanted it to be.
I find myself jammed onto a micro-bus, holding on for dear life as we round another bend in the mountain. Every inch ahead of us covered in clouds. The unknown, yet again. The ongoing questions linger. Where am I going? Why me? All I wanted was a ‘normal’ day.
For over a year I relished in the idea of being in the comfort of my own home, surrounded by those I loved and enjoying all that comes along with the holidays. I gave up all of those fantasies when I gave my yes to squad lead. A yes that came with a price. A price to lay aside my plans, my desires and my dreams. However what I didn’t realize was that I still had a hold on my idea of what my Christmas should resemble. I was holding onto my selfish desires. I had become bitter with God and where he had placed me. I had become the victim of my surroundings and situation. I admit it, I had a foul attitude and I was truly unhappy of how my Christmas was ending up.
In the last year and a half I have had the opportunity to witness and lay my eyes upon some of the most beautiful places in the world. The Lord has shown me his wonders from country to country. As our bus took a rather abrupt turn around the mountain I was overwhelmed with the sight my eyes had laid upon. Ahead of me was the most intricate display of mountains I had ever seen. In that moment I was in awe of my Pappa once again. He created me for such a time as this. I was made to see this part of creation on this day and to revel in his masterpiece set before me.
In this season of life I am hungry for more. I desire to receive more of what Pappa has for me. I crave to be more like my Pappa with each passing day. I am learning that ‘the more is in surrender’. Am I willing to surrender my plans and my desires to fight and go after his plans and his desires? Am I willing to lay down my selfishness and pick up my cross and die to myself daily? Am I willing to set aside what I think things should look like and realize that I had it all wrong?
This Christmas may not look as glamorous as what I had hoped. It may look like being covered in flea bites from head to toe. It may look like having to walk thru any kind of animal poo to get to the nearest squatty potty. It may look like boiling a pot of water just to have a semi warm bucket shower. It may look like sleeping on a pallet made of straw. It may look like decorating your home with pink toilet paper, trash bags and sugar cane. It may look like waking up to 7 sisters who have quickly become family this Christmas. It definitely looks like creating memories and sharing lots of laughter and feeling so loved by everyone around me. But in the end its not about the lights, the smells or the comfortable surroundings. Its about the true sacrifice of the one who came for you and I. The one who paid it all so that we could live to honor and glorify his holy name.
So I ask myself this Christmas and I ask you as well, what are you celebrating? What are you sacrificing? What are you willing to surrender to receive more? I found my more at 10,000 feet on Christmas day. Fully surrendered to my Pappa and his will not my own.
