Month 2. Expectations were left high after the incredible month we had in Lesotho. Emotions and excitement were running rapid. The anticipation of what will this month hold and how could I ever love like I had before. Fear of all squad month and the near dread of spending everyday with 60 people was upon me.
One word describes the past few weeks for myself: Dreadful.
I found myself here in Nsoko, Swaziland sick, hot & cold, dirty from head to toe and aggravated of never having my own space nor my own time to myself. The comparison game began. This place is not beautiful like last month. The people are not as kind as last month. The living situation is not as good as last month. There are no hot showers. The food is the same everyday. Ministry isn’t as exciting. Relationships aren’t being made. Why am I here? Why am I miserable? What is the point?
Questions all asked as I sweat from head to toe, sunburned & pained, covered in dust while picking up bricks throwing them into a wheelbarrow. The whole time thinking and asking, “why am I here in this place laboring away being miserable. I didn’t sign up for this. I am doing no good being here right now. Again, What is the point?”
Thankfully God’s plan is always greater than what we could ever anticipate or imagine. There is always a reason behind what He has asked us to do. There is always a purpose for us in the place He has sent us.
Break my heart for what breaks Yours. That is exactly what He has done.
I was very fortunate as a child and still am. I grew up with a father who chose to love me. Who chose to stay. Who chose to provide for my family and I. Who showed me what a Godly man looks like and how to love God. Who chose to tell me how proud he was of me and how much he loved me. I have a father who I look up to more than anyone else in this world. I love my dad more than anything and I can’t imagine living without him.
I also grew up having another Father. A Father who knew me before I even knew Him. A Father who knew all the wrong I was going to do and loved me anyway. A Father that died for me and my sins so that I could have eternal life through Him. A Father that has unconditional love for me. A Father that has more grace for me than I could ever deserve. A Father that has shown forgiveness and mercy time after time. A Father who reminds me everyday how much He loves me. A Father who has given me so many things I do not deserve. A Father of miracles, giving, and supernatural mightiness. A Father who placed me in Nsoko Swaziland Africa for a purpose. A purpose He knew before I could ever even wrap my own mind around it.
9 out of 10 children in Swaziland are fatherless. They do not grow up with everything that I have taken for granted my entire life. They do not know what it is like to have the male role model, or the dad who slaves at work for 14 hours a day to put food on the table and clothes on your back. They don’t know the feeling of running into their father’s arms. They don’t know the warm embrace of their father telling them he loves them. However, these children through us get to experience something much greater. They get to experience the love of my heavenly Father through me. They get the warm embrace of His unconditional love. They get the attention they crave. They receive the only meal they will have for the day through my hands. They get to sing praise to God through the songs I have taught them. They learn about Jesus through the Bible story I share with them. Ultimately they learn what it is like to be wanted and to be loved.
Swaziland has taught me more than I could have ever offered out. I have learned to be present and to see the bigger picture. God has taught me to love myself fully before I can fully love others. He has taught me to be intentional with others and my relationships as well as be intentional with Him and my desire for more of Him. He has taught me to listen and be still, instead of just hearing. He has taught me to walk in boldness and to not cower out of fear. Most of all God has taught me that I am enough.
