I’m coming home, yet I’m leaving home.
For this entire year, home has been my sleeping pad and tent; it’s been my incredible teammates whom I have grown absurdly close to; it’s been my squad – the only other people crazy enough to commit to this radical journey; it’s been my brothers and sisters, the body of Christ – the church all around the world; it’s been a dim, crammed, mosquito infested, cement room in Manipur, India; it’s been a spacious, clean, plant and monkey filled compound in Pretoria, South Africa; and it’s been a bustling, community-welcoming house full of girls and guys of all ages in Santiago, Chile.
I don’t quite know what “home” is anymore, but I know my “home” – whatever it is – has expanded and multiplied a lot this year. I used to think I didn’t really have a home since I moved so much and was never in one place for very long, but now I believe I have a hundred places I can call home.
I have several reservations as I, let’s say, “return to the States.” Returning to the States is going to be very different than I imagined it to be when I left a year ago. Here are some of the things I am anticipating:
- I’m a new person coming back to an old place. A year is a long time. I’ve changed a lot, and honestly, you might have to get to know me all over again. You may not like the new me, who knows? I don’t think any of my relationships will be the same. That is okay – good even – but that doesn’t make adjusting to them any easier. Please know that I’ve changed a lot, and I would love for you to take the time to get to know me in a new way, to get to know the things that have grown me and shaped me this year. Don’t expect me to fit the same mold I used to.
- I also realize that you may have a changed a lot too, and I might have to get to know you all over again. I don’t know what I am coming home to, but I do know that life didn’t stop when I left, and that a lot of things are going to be different. I’ve missed special times and major changes that I can’t just catch up on and pick back up with. I have no idea what and who I am actually coming home to. Please tell me what has changed, fill me in, and give me grace for what I have forgotten and missed.
- The community I will be coming home to consists of my full time working parents, my dog, and a very busy college friend 45 minutes away. I’ve lived in such close community all year. Every night (and I literally mean every night) this year has been a slumber party with people who know me very deeply and who I know very deeply. Anything other than that will feel abnormal and foreign. I fear pits of loneliness and isolation, backsliding and complacency. Please call me, come visit, and invite me to go for walks. It will be good for me.
- I’ve experienced a lot. I don’t have adequate words or explanations for some of the things I have seen, felt, and encountered. Part of me doesn’t want people to ask anything about this year because it is overwhelming to try to begin explaining; however, the other part of me is dying for people to ask me anything and everything because I have lots of wonderful, difficult, and beautiful things all worth being heard. I fear that whether people ask me about this year or not that I will be frustrated in some capacity. Please, do ask questions – the more specific the better I think. And also, give me permission to not answer immediately and to take time and space to process and then come back to talking about it.
- I don’t want to forget all that’s influenced and shaped me this year. I’ve learned much, grown rapidly, and loved deeply. I fear I will slowly regress back into the Ellie I was before I began this journey. She wasn’t bad at all; she just isn’t the more mature, experienced, patient, confident, understanding, stronger, and wiser Ellie that I am now. I fear that old places and people will tempt me back into old habits, beliefs, and tendencies I thought I had left behind. Please tell me how you have seen me change and ask me to recall the things that have shaped me this year.
- I don’t have my next steps figured out by any means, and I am dreading the stampede of, “What’s next? When are you going back to school? Where are you going?” and comments about picking “real life” back up, because the truth is that I have never experienced life so real as I have this year. I don’t know what is next for me. The Lord hasn’t revealed that yet, and I am so okay with that. I will patiently wait on Him until He does, and I don’t want the pressure of needing to know or “move forward” any sooner. Please pray for guidance for me and don’t ask “what’s next” type questions for at least a couple months because the answer will be, “I don’t know and I don’t need to know yet.”
- Being away from my usual comforts, I’ve fantasized about sleeping all day alone in a room by myself completely uninterrupted; running mile after mile and still knowing where I am and feeling safe; driving on the highway with the windows down and the music up, as long as I want until as late as I want; and eating cereal, pants-less, on my couch with my dog. I’m scared that these things I’ve somehow missed so much will disappoint me and not be all that I remember them to be. I’m afraid these small things and others won’t bring me the same simple joy they once did.
- I feel quite torn coming back to a very privileged, wealthy country with much legal freedom and ample opportunities for personal advancement. On one hand, I am very grateful to live in such a place for obvious reasons, but on the other hand I want to run from those things. They don’t give me true freedom, abundant life, or lead to a life of greater faith. If anything, I see that they have often served to deceive and distract me from those things that I want to be pursuing. It’s taken me stepping far away from America and living in very opposite places to see that. I also want to make clear that I don’t think America is good or bad, better or worse than any country I have been to, just different. And it has its different blessings and curses. What I want is to live according to the Kingdom of Heaven whether it is in America or Cambodia, in a fully furnished home or in a mud hut.
- I’m officially broker than broke, which doesn’t bother me in the least. God has and will continue to provide all my financial needs, but I am now used to paying $1 for a meal, not $6-$10. I’m afraid everything is going to seem stressfully overpriced, ridiculous, and wasteful to me. Adjusting back to American prices and an overall wealthier culture is going to be difficult for me. Please don’t invite me to super fancy meals to spoil me or buy me extravagant things. I’ve been living out of a backpack and have found it contains more than what I actually need. I don’t want to jump back into living in access. It will take a bit for me to adjust to cultural differences without feeling guilty for the abundance of things we have in the States.
- As my homesickness for “home” is satisfied, I know that my heart’s desire to be back in all my new homes across the globe with my new family and friends will slowly develop. I don’t want to be wishing to be anywhere I am not, and I certainly don’t want my missing of other places and people to rob me of my peace, joy, and contentment of being where I am in the States. Please show me the joys of life at home, but also let me grieve the beautiful different lifestyles I’ve left and am now missing out on.
- And finally, for a year now I haven’t flushed toilet paper; I haven’t dressed in style; I haven’t driven a car; I haven’t paid a bill; I haven’t ordered from a drive thru; I haven’t had my own room or bathroom; I haven’t had a first world problem; I haven’t been “American” (except on the fourth of July – I went all out and got what I call patriotic wasted with my team). How will I fit in? Do I even want to fit in? I’m not sure how I will be received into this country and culture I feel very far removed from now. Please give me space and support to figure these things out.
These are the things I think about when I think about returning to the States. I tell you them so you can be aware of my fears, give me grace as I transition, and pray for me and my home life as these two very different worlds reunite.
I don’t really have much of a conclusion to this blog because quite frankly I haven’t come to any conclusions about this transition, and I’m okay with that. I trust the One who guides my path, and He is with me wherever I go. That is absolutely enough to give me peace as I come home no matter what “home” looks like or what trials lay ahead with it.
Despite all these fears and hesitations, I’m truly, truly, truly excited to see you all, my dear family and friends, and just spend time together. The Lord has given me that much of a next step – to be present with, share life with, enjoy the company of, and love my family and friends. What a beautiful, simple, and restful season I get to step into!
So, as I come home and I leave home, I ask you to give me grace, give me love, give me space, give me encouragement, tell me truth, let me cry, let me process, pray for me, and know that I am trying to do the same to you.
See you so very soon!
With SO MUCH LOVE,
Ellie
