Back at home, staying busy was everything. Productivity meant significance. If I was constantly doing important and necessary things, I was important and necessary. Sitting on the couch doing nothing gave me anxiety. “I could be doing something productive right now!” is what my mind would scream at me when I relaxed for more than a few moments.
Like most other aspects of myself, that didn’t change when I came on the race.
On the race, I am always trying to do more and get ahead by using my time well.
To me, more bible studies = greater knowledge. More book reading = greater perspective. More podcasts = greater growth. More bible reading = greater understanding. More praying = greater things happening. And more always = better.
Here is a typical to do list of mine at any given time on the race:
– Study _____ book of the Bible
– Listen to ________ podcast series
– Do listening prayer for _________
– Memorize ________ passage
– Message _________ from home
– Write blog about ________
– Read ______’s blog
– Write belief statement on __________
– Finish and take notes on ________ book
– Ask the Lord how to bless _________
– Talk to _______ about ________
– Pray for _______, __________, and _________
At the end of my month in Cambodia, I felt God encouraging me to give up my to do list–my agenda, my free time fillers, my priorities.
In Cambodia, I filled all my free time with good things, but I left no room for the great things God had waiting for me.
After feeling His prompting, I decided to give it up, trusting He would use my time better than I ever could. I did not want to continue to settle for the good things I could do for myself when God had an abundance of incredible things He wanted to give, show, and teach me. And so it was decided: month 5 in Botswana would be to do list free.
Little did I know, all sorts of other freedoms and gifts would come from releasing my really good priorities to an even better God. When I dropped my to do list and opened up my time and energy to be filled and directed by Him, my identity became less about what I could and did do and more about who He says I am. And for bonus, I was blessed with all sorts of conversations, friends, and experiences I wouldn’t have other gotten to have otherwise!
That was just the start though.
Recently the Lord has been asking me to be still. Cease striving. Just be. He is asking me to more fully detach my identity from what or how much I do, and attach it to him and him alone.
There is SO much peace in just sitting with the Lord, knowing that He is just as pleased with me and loves me just as much whether I wake up at 5am every morning to pray, read my bible morning and night, fast a meal everyday, and spend hours worshipping and praising him OR whether I lie in bed all day doing nothing but eating Oreo balls.
He loves me because I’m His daughter. Period. All He wants me to be is his daughter.
God doesn’t want you for what you can do for Him, yourself, of anyone else. He doesn’t want workaholics, super spiritualists, biblical know it alls; He doesn’t even want missionaries! He wants sons and daughters. He wants you for you and that’s it. And it’s out of that identity that we love, serve, honor and please Him. It’s out of that identity that we make a difference in the world.
Here’s the real kicker though, something that’s been mighty convicting for me: just as God wants us entirely apart from what we can do for him, God wants us to want Him completely apart from what He can do for us.
I have spent the majority of my walk with the Lord wanting so much from Him, without actually wanting Him. I’ve sought the growth, healing, freedom, and gifts He gives, while all the while not actually seeking Him. That breaks His heart.
After being convicted of this, I felt pretty bad… it’s a terrible thing to purely want relationship with someone for what they have to offer. That’s conditional love. That’s manipulation.
God is not a God of either of those things, and He doesn’t want us to be people of either – not towards each other or Himself.
With this, I’m recognizing that I don’t really quite know God for God. If I did, I wouldn’t want anything else. He would be all I ever wanted and all I ever needed.
So in my seeking to be still and rest in Him, I’m also seeking to get to know Him. I’m seeking to accept, desire, and love Him because of who He is, not for what He can do for me.
That’s pure love, and that’s the kind of relationship I want to have with my Father, and the kind of life I want to lead. That’s what’s eternal, and that’s what matters. So I’m choosing it and chasing it with all I am and all I’ve got. I’ll let ya know how it goes.
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Update:
I’m in South Africa for a couple more weeks! We have been working alongside Beam Africa, an organization that provides skill and literacy training for those living in poverty in Mamelodi, South Africa, as well as feeding kids, helping them with homework, and teaching them about Jesus in an after school program. We have been spoiled this month with hot showers and an oven (Meredith has been baking us so many goodies) and incredible hosts who love and care for us so well it blows my mind daily.
Next week I am blessed beyond measure with the means to take a trip to Capetown where I get to see my precious Kaitlyn (a dear friend from high school) and penguins!!!!!!!
Then we have debrief where we are acccccctually for sure getting team changes which will certainly shake things up, and from there we are heading into Month 6 in Swaziland!
I love and appreciate you all so much! Thanks for all the continued prayers, support, and encouragement! This race is getting harder and harder but better and better as I keep taking steps of faith and trusting in him in big and slightly scary ways.
