Several months ago I released the most vulnerable blog post I have made so far on the Race. After years of battling and finally reaching a breaking point in my freedom, God told me to tell the world that I had an addiction. Pornography. An enemy that I had been battling for nearly a decade.
Now, 6 months later (almost to the day), welcome to Part 2.
The Race has been an amazing portal of safety and security for being vulnerable about my struggles. I have never once felt like I would be judged by anything I have shared, and the only thing that has ever kept me from talking about things and being open has been my pride. I know how people perceive me to be, and the fear of disappointment is a battle I am still working on overcoming, but that’s not the battle I’m here to talk about today.
If I am completely honest, I have not struggled at all with falling back into my old porn-watching habits since starting The Race. Perhaps this is because of our separation from modern Western society, or maybe it’s because of my friends who are always looking out for me, or more likely it’s because I truly have been set free.
Back in the beginning when I revealed all of this to the world, I was well aware that my squad would be coming to Asia for our last portion of the journey. Specifically Cambodia and Thailand. Both of these countries are well known for their activity in sex trade and trafficking. While deep inside of me I really wanted to be involved in ministries working to combat this industry in the world, I walked the majority of the first half of the race fearing it.
Afraid that I wouldn’t be strong enough.
Afraid that I would fall victim to the temptations around me and land back where I started.
In Bosnia – month 7 – I had a major victory. Sitting in a room somewhat alone, I was using a random streaming site to watch a television show on my iPad. As I was downloading the episode, suddenly… a POP-UP.
Yes. A pop-up.
It appeared on my screen leading me to some pretty intense images and gifs for a porn site. But this time it was different. I was different. Unlike anything that would have happened before, I quickly closed out of the page and went back to my business of tv watching. Not a single thought entered my mind about engaging. Not one.
A couple of days afterward I felt compelled to tell the girls on my coed team about the incident, to give God the glory before men for my victory, and to ensure I was continuing to walk in vulnerability – being open and honest about everything, and doing my part in ensuring the enemy has little chance to pull me back.
It might not sound like much, but I’ve learned that there is so much power in just speaking things out and being open.
After this, I felt amazing. I felt like it was finally proving to be true – I am free. And with this new feeling of true liberty came an intense desire for Asia. My heart began to burn for the people involved in the sex industry, and a sincere longing for an opportunity to work with a ministry or organization involved in helping these people pressed its way into my soul.
Toward the end of month 8 in Romania, I received our set-up sheet for Cambodia and was disappointed to find out I would be teaching English for the month. I didn’t understand. But when I met our hosts, my team learned that the heart behind the school we would be working with was exactly what I longed for – to bring hope to young girls and kids in the community in order to help prevent them from entering into the sex industry in Cambodia.
I was shocked to learn that 9 out of 10 of the girls in the neighborhood we worked in end up either being sold into the industry by their parents or voluntarily entering it themselves… because they feel it is a better life than what they have. And while I wasn’t directly involved in working with people in this industry, it was awesome to know that the heart behind what I was doing was to bring hope and prevent it from happening to begin with.
Then, Thailand.
I’ve been in Thailand for around 12 days, now. Before coming here I was once again disappointed to find out that I would not be working in a red light district or bar ministry or anything potentially connected to the sex industry. Why, God? Why would you put the desire inside my heart only to have me do nothing about it?
When I got here, I very quickly found out. This will be a personal battle, not a team battle. While my job this month is not specifically to work the streets of the night, I am in a major city where it is a big part of the society and tourism. Chiang Mai. Literally 2 blocks away from where I’m staying is where Chiang Mai’s busiest street for sex comes alive at night.
I can feel it in the atmosphere, so much so that the first 3 nights we were here, all of a sudden thoughts and desires were popping into my head that haven’t been there this entire journey. Not the good kind. Fear started entering me again, and I began to question my freedom.
Where are these thoughts coming from? Is this really me? What if I’m not really free? Maybe I’m not strong enough and that’s why God didn’t put me in the red light area.
Then, after several nights of suffering from my thoughts, I realized the truth. This was an attack from the enemy, and now my pride was being tested.
It would have been easy to just go through the motions and not say anything to anyone about what was going on. It would have even been easy to say I was fine because even though the thoughts and desires were in my head, I had not acted upon them. But I knew… I knew I needed to say something and be vulnerable. So, I went out with my friend, and as we sat at a table eating dinner I let it go and told her what was happening. Breakthrough.
It wasn’t quite enough, though. The next day God prompted me to tell the whole team, which includes several girls who actually don’t know this part of my story yet (it’s a new team).
More breakthrough.
Now, here I am, once again writing a blog post about my darkest struggles, literally throwing them all out for the world to see. Why? Because my pride will not get the better of me, and I will continue to walk in my freedom. Admittedly, I haven’t had any additional issues since I let it out and opened up to everyone here, but that fear is still pulling at the back of my mind.
Am I strong enough to handle the red light district? I don’t know. But I do know that I am free, and when the enemy tries to tell me I’m not I have the ability to shove it down his throat by confessing my faults before men and showing my weakness. It’s in my weakness that my God can be made strong, and there is liberty in confession, openness and vulnerability. So, I intend to fight back because I am weak enough to let my God fight this battle with me, and He already has the victory.
