As I listened to the stories and testimonies of some of the people we are working with here in Peru, I couldn’t help but find myself in a flood of emotions that ran at me all at once bringing me immediately to tears. I related deeply and intimately with all three of their stories. They brought on emotions I had not allowed myself to feel for so long; feelings of anger and hurt, guilt and shame, unworthiness, uncleanness. These consumed me, along with feeling like a completely dishonest hypocrite who had spent years refusing to be real with anyone. I’ve spent most of my life thinking I have to be the strong one in the family, and for the most part I’ve been successful at it. I’ve hid the sins of my life in an attempt to give myself and my family a good name at the sake of my own freedom.
So, as I continued to listen to these stories and sob from my emotional reaction, I finally realized I was being convicted.
“You need to tell them the whole truth,” The Lord said to me, “them” referring to my team.
“No! I can’t do that, God. They’ll see and know my weaknesses are much deeper than they thought. They’ll know I’m not in as good of shape as they think I am. I can’t do this. I’m ashamed!”
As the day progressed forward, the nagging feeling that I had to speak never left. Not once. When evening finally came and we were all getting ready to settle down, I asked my team leader if we were going to have our regular “team time”. Admittedly, I hoped she would say no, and I began to feel content when the first two of my teammates who were asked what their thoughts were said they would prefer to go to bed since it is been a long day. But as the rest of my teammates gave their opinions of what they wanted to do, the verdict was that team time was on.
Crap. No avoiding it now.
We came together and started our check-ins, talking about how we’re doing and what we thought of the day, and as it got closer and closer to my turn to speak, my heart began to race harder and harder. It was almost time. I was going to have to let everything go. Everything. When my turn finally arrived, my heart nearly stopped. I had no idea what I was going to say so I just started talking, letting the words fall exactly how they came beginning with how selfish I felt by my initial reactions to the earlier testimonies from our ministry partners.
Background:
Our hosts and ministry partners wanted to give us more insight into their lives and testimonies. The initial story we were given came from a woman who is helping us here. It was a deep and dark story that hit home pretty hard for me. A story of how her father, her own father, abused her as a child, and some of the effects this had on her life. While this was an amazing feat for her because it was the first time she had ever opened up and been this vulnerable, still as I looked upon the hurt, brokenness and shame that she continues to carry deep within, all I could think was, God, I don’t want to be 60-something and still have a lot of pain, shame and brokenness. She talked about how she and her husband grew very distant in the early years of their marriage, and as he left to finish graduate school in another State she felt certain their marriage was over. He left this door open by telling her that perhaps they should consider talking to other people while he was away even though they were still married. She knew this would be wrong, but feelings of loneliness and brokenness and that she was no longer desired by her own husband eventually led her to walk through that open door and seek another man’s affections, leading to actual infidelity – justified in her mind by his telling her that they should keep their options open. As I continued to listen intently to her story, crying and praying that I would never find myself in a similar position, it hit me – Oh my gracious God, I am already in this position.
You see, I have a dirty little secret as well. My own form of infidelity. My team knew part of it before our team meeting the other night, but they didn’t know the whole story. Why? Because it’s a dirty secret that brings me to shame and makes me look weak, and while I wasn’t completely dishonest with them I was definitely misleading about it – intentionally. What is this secret? I’m really struggling to type it, to be honest, but God told me I have to do this. The truth is that I have been addicted to pornography for nearly 10 years of my life.
There.
You know my dirt.
Even though I had told my team about it at the beginning of our journey when h my gracious God, I am already in this position.
You see, I have a dirty little secret as well. My own form of infidelity. My team knew part of it before our team meeting the other night, but they didn’t know the whole story. Why? Because it’s a dirty secret that brings me to shame and makes me look weak, and while I wasn’t completely dishonest with them I was definitely misleading about it – intentionally. What is this secret? I’m really struggling to type it, to be honest, but God told me I have to do this. The truth is tha alone in the darkness! I am not free from this like you believe!” *insert immediate flood of tears*
There. It was out.
Shame consumed me as I continued to speak. The girls listened intently, some passing along their words of encouragement. Nothing really helped at the moment, though. Afterward, my mind continued to dwell on the testimonies from earlier in the day… even through the night. I woke up with tears still in my eyes, overtaken by my feelings of unworthiness and disgust.
**Back to the earlier testimonies**
When her husband found out about the infidelity (she ended up pregnant), his initial reaction was resentment and anger. He ran away completely and had his own affair. But as time continued to pass on, the Lord began to soften his heart and he found himself drawn back to her. This is the part of the story that my mind was now running to. A husband who eventually chose to love his wife unconditionally. It wasn’t easy. It requires work and pursuit on his part. He chased after her and wooed her back to his heart with kindness and affection and forgiveness.
She had run away with another man, come back pregnant, and yet God softened his heart to love her through all the shame, guilt and ugliness of the past. He didn’t care about any of it anymore. He just wanted to show her his unconditional love and bring her back to him.
And there – I broke down again. God, I’m unworthy of anyone’s love. I’m dirty and impure, I’m covered in spots and blemishes. I’m unclean, guilty and a shameful sight. I feel ugly. What man could or would love, or even want someone as broken and dirty as me? I don’t deserve to be loved as the evil, wicked sinner that I am. Let’s get real, I even felt physically ugly with all of this going on – nothing in comparison to the extravagant beauty of my sisters. And now, as emotionally messy as I am, who would even have the patience to deal with me? I’m unworthy. Yes, I want a family. I want to live a happy life for You with a man who can love me unconditionally, but I don’t deserve happiness. I’m not worth it.
Then, with all of these thoughts consuming my mind, I gently hear Him start to break through the clutter in my brain. He reminds me of the story of Hosea, the prophet who fell in love with a harlot. This beautiful portion of the story is a symbol of our Lord’s affection for Israel. Hosea’s wife was always running around on him. She was a woman of the night, dirty and with blemishes all over her. Yet, Hosea loved her. Every time she would run off, he would chase after her and woo her back because he was a lover of her soul.
This is the love of our Lord. As Israel committed adultery over and over and over with other gods, He continued to have patience and gentleness with them. He loved them and chased after them, and would woo them back to Him with his great kindness and gentleness.
Then, He brought me to the woman caught in the act of adultery. The one our Lord Jesus turned to after all the men of the city who threatened to stone her to death walked away, and He said to her, “Woman, where are your accusers?”
“There are none, my Lord”
“Then neither do I accuse you. Go and sin no more.”
You see, the men of the town and the church leadership realized they all had sin in their lives, too. And Jesus being the only one with any right to throw a stone because He was blameless chose to show compassion and kindness and gentleness and love.
As I sat with my team the evening before this moment with Holy Spirit, lying on my friend’s lap and continuing to cry after my confession (trying desperately not to let the tears fall on her legs), I realized that, first of all, they were loving me like Jesus. Without accusation, but still pushing me to move past this and grow stronger. Then, I felt Him tell me to come to Him. He’s the lover of my soul. He told me a long time ago that He would bring me freedom if I would just trust Him. I think I’ve finally reached a point where I can do that. Though I haven’t had any falls in nearly 6 months at this point, likely because of the continued accountability of having people constantly around me (community living), it’s still hard to believe that I am truly free, or that He can love me regardless of what I’ve done.
Your future is with me, Denea. I do not accuse you. Go, and sin no more. Run to me with all the tales of your day. Run to me even when they’re dark and grey. Come, beloved of mine. Let me make your brokenness beautiful.
So, there we have it. Even though it would be super easy for me to want to shut down right now; to want to wallow in my sorrow and shame; to want to run back to old habits, He’s telling me to run to Him, my King, my lover who receives me unconditionally when my heart is humbled. Instead of walking in my sorrow, I’m choosing to run with joy. Joy because I have been accepted. Joy because I have been liberated. Joy because I have chosen to go and sin no more, and if it gets hard He will be right there with me to be my strength.
