I have developed many convictions over the course of my life. Some biblically based, while others are more personal in nature. For example, I do not watch any movies or television shows that contain nudity. This is a biblically-based conviction as we are told to guard our eyes and hearts from such things. If the movie happens to be something I’m really interested in watching, for example, Braveheart or The Matrix, I am affiliated with a company where I can buy an edited version of the movie that removes the undesirable content, thereby still keeping me in line with my conviction. Another conviction I maintain is to never become relationally involved with someone who does not share my desire to take the Gospel to the Nations. This is something that is completely personal, and one that I have held for many, many years. It would be unfair to myself, and to a prospective mate to form a bond knowing our paths and visions are not in sync. These, and many others have become deep ideals that I have developed throughout my lifetime thus far.
Right now, I would like to talk with y’all about a particular conviction as it relates specifically to where I am in this moment. Many years ago, at the age of 12, I felt a call to do something more with my life than the average American will ever evenconsider. I felt the desire to become a Gospel-spreading missionary to the nations. As can be expected, nothing comes without a price, financially and otherwise. At 18 years of age, I was finally able to go on my first trip outside the US, and during that time a conviction began to develop that has continued to mature and evolve into a much deeper understanding of where and why it came to be. That conviction = to never directly ask anyone for financial support. Admittedly, I have faltered from this conviction in the past, specifically relating to my 6th trip, I believe. When I committed myself to going that particular time, I ended up sending out support letters to certain friends and family members. The reason being that I allowed someone to convince me to do so – an individual whom I had, and still have, a lot of respect for. This individual convinced me that my refusal to ask for financial help was an act of pride and arrogance, and that I should never take it upon myself to refuse others the chance to pour into my ministry. While I believe this to be somewhat true, something still seemed a bit off in how this was presented to me, and I later began to regret sending the letters in the first place as my convictions were still present. At the time, I was much younger, less mature, and very insecure in my own ideals, so following the instructions of an elderly authority figure was something that was quite easy to do. I know this person was only trying to help, so I hold no ill against them, but as time has passed on I have grown to better understand why I feel the way I feel. Just as a follow up – even though I let my convictions sway, I believe God honored my heart because my intention was certainly never to be disobedient, and the end result was that a very special friend ended up covering a good 2/3 of my trip cost.
Now, before we move forward, please let me explain that I have no quarrel with anyone who asks for support and partnership in a mission or goal that has been burdened upon their heart. I, for one, love giving to those I can agree with ideally and spiritually, though my ability to do so has been quite limited of late. When I can give, I certainly make every effort to do so.
As I stated a moment ago, my understanding of why I feel the way I do about asking for financial support has become much more developed and matured. To explain, while I do not ask anyone for assistance, I have no issue with receiving assistance. That sounds strange, right? Well, not exactly, when you think about it. Let me explain. If you saw an elderly lady fall down some stairs, would she have to ask you for help in order for you to do so? Of course not. The natural reaction of most people would be to immediately go and check on her, help her up, and make sure she’s okay. No one had to ask for anything. Helping an elderly individual who is in physical danger likely comes as a natural reaction to most people. In a similar matter, over the course of the last 6 months I have asked no one for help, but I have told them my story as it has come up in general conversation. I have not gone to visit people for the sole purpose of talking to them about what I’m doing. I have not sent support letters. I have only made a few blog posts to let people know this is what the next step in my life will be. In fact, I have not once brought the topic up in any of my conversations with others outside of my family and those who already know (like my bosses whom I had to notify that I will be leaving in October). When I have talked about this expedition, it has been because someone has asked, or another friend in my midst of us has brought it up with others leading those individuals to ask me questions. Does that make sense? In abiding by this simple conviction, there are a few individuals who have simply given out of no implied obligation – just because they wanted to do so when they heard my story. True story – just yesterday a complete stranger who happened to hear from my mother about this planned trip during a random conversation they had, chose to give me, someone they know absolutely nothing about, a $100 donation.
I was talking with my squad mates a couple of weeks ago when we brought up a topic about fundraising efforts. During the conversing I mentioned how I have done no fundraising at all. It’s true… I have not done anything. As we continued to talk, I explained the reasoning behind this in the simplest way I could think of – you must understand, the {trip} is my burden. Yep, I totally quoted Frodo right there. In real life, though, that’s my reasoning. My calling, my choices, my cares and passions and desires – those are all my burdens and no one else’s. For that reason, alone, the obligation to make them come into fruition is mine and God’s. When this understanding began to develop years ago, I do believe I had a skewed grasp on what all it meant in its entirety. I felt for a while that this meant I could not accept anything from anyone at all, which is certainly a false perception. Like I had to pay for everything no matter what. Granted, that’s my goal, but I’ve also learned over time that God uses many things and methods to provide for our needs, including others. The thing about it, though, is I do not ask for it. If someone hears about my plans and chooses to give on their own accord, I no longer feel a heavy burden in my heart. I’m grateful beyond measure because this person gave out of no perceived obligation on my part. They gave because either they wanted to, or GOD told them to. Denea had nothing to do with it. I know the burden is mine, and I’m perfectly okay with that, so those who give nothing are free and clear from any guilt. I never said anything, I never asked for anything, and therefore there is no need to ever wonder whether I care or not. I don’t. The burden belongs to myself and God. If He wants me to go, He’ll provide the way. Either through the work of my own hands, or even through a random stranger who happened to hear a story through the grapevine.
Some may think, “My gosh! Isn’t that exhausting having to rely on so much faith?!” I suppose that depends on how you think about it. Yes, it requires a lot of faith, work, and plenty of exhausted evenings. Heck, I’m working 4 jobs right now trying to make sure I do my part in trying to fulfill this venture. At the same time, however, it is very rewarding to know that I have been honorable in how I have gone about this from the beginning. I’m making every effort I can to provide the way, myself, with God’s help, of course. It’s called modern-day tentmaking. For those unfamiliar with this term, it refers to the Apostle Paul of the New Testament who was a Pharisee turned Christ-follower, and eventually became a missionary to the Gentiles (Non-Jews). During his first venture into ministry he was placed in Corinth where he made a decided effort to take no money from anyone to whom he was ministering. He purposed that he would not be a burden on anyone and would provide his way financially by supporting himself through his trade, tentmaking, while residing with fellow believers, Priscilla and Acquilla, who were also of the same trade. It took a lot of faith, work and determination on his part, just as this endeavor has with me.
Yes, I’m tired. Yes, I get cranky because of that tiredness sometimes. Yes, there have been evenings where tears have been shed because I’ve wondered whether I’m working myself ragged for no reason, but now that I’m here at the end I’m beginning to see the light. Whether this trip happens or not, no one can say I did not do my part in trying to fulfill the need, nor can anyone say I have made them feel any pressure to assist in any way. I’m okay with the outcome, whatever it may be, because I know that if God wants it to happen, it will. Just as Paul trusted God to provide him with the jobs necessary to provide his needs while in Corinth, I have trusted Him to provide everything necessary for me to fulfill His call.
