Blog Part 2 of 4:
One of the ways I see and feel God the most is through children, so in this post I want to share with you how He poured out His love to me so gently in Swaziland. They were simple situations that God had used to speak to me. In the midst of my anger and confusion He was still speaking life and truth to me.
At our care point there was one little girl who intrigued me from day one. She didn’t run up to us or push the other kids away trying to hold our hands. She simply stood and watched us, sometimes with a smile on her face. She was maybe four years old. All the other kids were so hungry for love and attention but not this little girl. One of the days I could tell she wasn’t feeling well, as she would walk off and sit by herself. I walked closer to say hello and saw that both of her eyes were bloodshot with crusts and scabs around them. On the top of her head I could see scabs and bleeding wounds.
One of the days we arrived there was a little boy sitting against the fence with his head bobbing up and down as he tried to fight exhaustion. I scooped his little body into my arms and moved to the stairs so that he could sleep on my lap instead of the cold dirt. Then the little girl from earlier came over, exhausted, and sprawled out on the concrete stairs next to me. I watched as she buried her face into the crease of her elbow to sleep. I scooted closer to her and began to rub her back. She looked up over her shoulder, smiled at me and then began to rub my arm with her sweet little hand. Then she turned around, curled into a ball and leaned against me with her head rested upon the free space of my leg that the sleeping boy wasn’t using. As she slept she would rub her eyes against my jacket, realizing that she most likely had gotten the scabs from scratching her eyes in her sleep, my heart broke.
Thoughts began to race through my head; one child on my lap that was sleeping, covered in dirt with soiled clothes, the other with pink eye and open wounds upon her head. “God, why? I don’t understand. How can you allow this to happen? Look at them. Look around this place God. Where are you at God!” I sat in my anger for awhile then began to watch the chests of the kids rise and fall slowly.
“Teagan, I’m here. I’m you. Do you think it’s a mistake you’ve been sent here? You are doing exactly what I want you to do, you are loving them.”
“But that’s not enough! They need my help. First off this little girl needs a doctor. This little boy needs new clothes and diapers. I’m not doing anything by just sitting here! This is pointless, I’m not making any kind of difference or helping meet their needs in any way. Sure, I can buy them new clothes but that’s a short term solution. After I leave for the month whose going to love on them then? Huh God? Whose going to care for them? What are you going to do then?”
“I’ve sent you, that’s what I’ve done. You’re the hope I’ve sent. They won’t forget the love you’ve shown them. They won’t forget the hugs, smiles and warm embraces. They won’t forget that love because it is my love. They may not know it yet or fully feel it but one day they will and you planted that seed my child. Why isn’t that enough for you?”
“God, I wish that was enough.”
I do, I wish that was enough to calm my anger and put my heart back together, but it’s not. God is walking me through breaking to see the things that break Him. I’m feeling his heartbeat and righteous anger for the first time, which hurts like crazy but with that I am also feeling his agape love for the first time. I’m learning to be present in the brokenness and simply be love and I’m learning that that is enough.
