This week has been a crazy week, not only is school work beginning to bury me in a never ending pile of worry but one of my best friends struggled a lot this week. Lack of direction can be devastating, forming a feeling of worthlessness. If we feel that we don’t have a purpose, we begin to question the world around us. Seeing someone I care about deeply and who has been my rock, struggle with their identity was scary and made me feel so powerless. This was not the first time I had witnessed someone go through this. It occurred just a few months ago as I watched the person who knows me better than anyone board a plane for Thailand, without a return date. Although I knew she was leaving to pursue the Lord and find herself, this didn’t make it any easier. So as my other best friend began to look for ways to get out of this feeling, inevitably leading her away from Olivet and from me, the pit began to form. I can’t go through this season of my life without her. She has been my rock, encouragement, partner in crime, and confidant. I can’t go through the second semester without her by my side. Fear began to devour my joy. Why was this bothering me so much? Had I began to put my identity and happiness into another person or was there something deeper going on? As I pondered this question I began to pray, asking God to give me the wisdom I needed to discern my emotions.
Thankfully the Lord never turns away from us and answered my prayer. I had never really dealt with my feelings of fear about the Race. I just pushed them under a rug hoping they’d eventually disappear. But they didn’t, instead they intensified and began to manifest themselves into my relationships. As much as I love my best friend and don’t want her to leave, I’ll support whatever decision she makes because that’s why God places friends in our lives. They are angels on earth to encourage us when we are at our lowest. Through seeing my best friend hit a low in her life, I realized what the Lord wanted me to see and why I was so distraught over the possibility of her leaving. It hit me that I am going to do the same thing to all those I love next year. I will have to say goodbye to my friends and family, leaving them behind for a whole year. I am going to make them feel that pit in their stomach, maybe not as intensely as I will feel it, but either way I am going to walk away from them. Giving up the opportunity to:
- See my nephew, T, begin to talk and experience so much growth and the other, Liam, grow more into his personality
- See my friends in the grade above me graduate, after four incredible years, from college
- Experience my junior year with my best friends
- Watch as my parents dive deeper into their faith
- See both of my brothers’ marriages blossom
And lastly, I am giving up the opportunity and right to go through another year of life with them. As much I will wish that life would simply freeze in that year, I know how selfish and unfair that is. I think that is why I freaked out so much. I am so incredibly afraid. I am so afraid to miss all of those things. I am afraid that I am not strong enough to go through a year of life without all those amazing people in my life. I am afraid in general of what I have gotten myself into. I was crippled by fear in that moment. But then I looked up and on my desk I have a picture of a bible verse that my mom sent me at the beginning of the year. “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid.” –from Joshua 1:9
Every day I pass by my desk without a second thought about that picture but that day it hit home. Isn’t it funny what God uses to speak to us? He took a picture that I had seen everyday for the past two months to speak an immeasurable amount of truth to me and He used my best friend’s situation to allow me to recognize my own repressed feelings of fear. This whole revelation hit me during a skype date with my best friend, Kensey, from Thailand. Poor Kensey. My revelation was more of a break down and she graciously sat through it, ugly cry and all. For those of you who know me, you know that I don’t cry. Let alone ugly cry, which has only happened three other times in my whole life. Yeah, it was a rough day.
But Kensey didn’t just leave me in that state of fear. She helped me walk through it all and reaffirmed me, explaining that it isn’t just mere coincidence that I am going on the World Race. She told me, “When our capacity ends, God’s ability begins.” SO much truth in that statement. My capacity had ended. I had finally opened up the floodgates and dealt with my fear and anxieties about the Race. Like Kensey, God didn’t just leave me there. He pointed my eyes upward, away from myself, and told me, “Teagan, do not be afraid or discouraged. I am with you wherever you go.”
That tiny slip of paper is it. That’s what God used to speak to me. (Don’t mind the messy desk)
