It’s hard to know what to write after such a full 10 days. Training Camp was what I pictured, to a degree, but then so much more than that as well. We talked a lot about ‘stories’ there, so I guess I’ll just share one.
We had awesome team building activities, bonding time, worship, etc, throughout the week and for the first few days. I kept asking God to speak to me. That was my thing—I wanted to see a side of God I hadn’t experienced before. I wanted to go deeper. So as we were going through our activities and sessions and worship, I was begging God for more, but I felt nothing. It all seemed the same.
A few days in, we had some sessions dealing with pain, shame and other deep-rooted issues that we tend to bottle up and carry around. I heard so many talk about how God spoke and ministered to them through that. Still, I felt nothing. After hearing a few peoples’ stories, it began hitting me, I haven’t experienced that. I don’t carry that weight. I haven’t had to live through that type of pain.
As crazy as it sounds, it almost became a source of belittling in my mind, like my story wasn’t good enough. I knew how ridiculous the reality of that was, but it didn’t change the way I felt.
One afternoon, we were taking some individual time to process through what we’d just heard in a session and I took the opportunity to, again, ask God to speak to me. I waited, I listened, and all I got were the lyrics to the song, ‘Beloved’ by Tenth Avenue North running through my head. I wrote them down, but this was nothing new. There’s always lyrics to all kinds of songs in my head.
We came back together in session, but immediately after, I went off by myself. I just needed to spend some time with my Jesus. I’d been reading through Psalms, so I opened my Bible to the next one and started reading. It was Psalms 146. Verses 7-8 are what caught my attention.
“He gives justice to the oppressed and food to the hungry.
The Lord frees the prisoners. The Lord opens the eyes of the blind.
The Lord lifts up those who are weighed down.
The Lord loves the godly.”
What I wasn’t taking into account is how personal my God is. He wasn’t doing the same thing in my life that I saw Him doing in the lives of those around me. That’s not what I needed.
Here’s what I wrote in my journal
“…See, we’re all in a different spot. God didn’t feed me or open my eyes or free me or lift me up because that wasn’t my need. God LOVED me! By no means have I arrived, but I don’t live in bondage. By the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, I am godly and I am loved.”
God, then, reminded me of those song lyrics He’d given me earlier,
“You’re my beloved, lover I’m yours.
Death shall not part us, It’s you I died for.
For better or worse, forever we’ll be.
Your love it unites us and it binds you to me,
It’s a mystery.”
I’m so grateful that we have a God who cares enough about me individually to speak directly into my situation, through a song, through a scripture, or just through a thought. He doesn’t speak to me in the way he speaks to my friends, because He knows every fibre of my being and what will be effective for me in my life.
This is just one of the ways I saw God work. There are more. He’s put me in leadership roles when that’s what I’ve always shied away from. He’s given me responsibilities that I never would have placed on myself. He’s growing me, in confidence, into who He created me to be and I am so beyond excited to see how it will play out over the coming days, months, and even years.
Your continued prayers for myself and my squad mates is greatly appreciated. Over the next two months, in addition to fundraising, we will continue to prepare physically, mentally and spiritually for this adventure God has called us to.
