Every year when my birthday comes blowing in with the cold autumn wind I start to become introspective. I start to think through what the last year held, and look on the next year not with joy, but with dread.
It’s not so much that I dread getting a year older, but I have dread over not living out the next year to the extent that I want to, that God wants me to. The change in year brings with it a whole wave of unmet desires, of desires that I thought I would have figured out by now.
There are so many desires I have. Desires to get married, to establish a career, to have a place to call home, to be truly seen by the people around me. Most of the time I can push them down, and trust that God is doing something in my life that will ultimately lead to my desires being met. But every November I feel those desires scratching at my heart demanding to be addressed.
If I’m completely honest, there are a lot of things that I thought would have already happened in my life. I would have thought that I would have a career by now, the steady job that pays the bills and allows me to contribute to society in some productive way. I fully planned on having a place to call home, a space that I lived in for more than a few weeks or few months at a time, a place that was safe and life-giving. And, if you had asked me 5 years ago, I would have been married by now, planning a family of my own.
I know that I live a life that seems outrageously exciting and glamorous to people, and way too much to others. This is not the life that I had planned for myself when I set out from college and entered adulthood. I had dreams and desires in my heart that had time lines attached to them. So here I am, just entering into my 27th year of life, and confused as to why God hasn’t had my desires lose strength over the years, but escalate all the more.
Another year older means another time to grieve the things I thought I would have at this point in my life. Another time to grieve the unmet desires of my heart, but trust that I have a God who desires to meet my desires. I trust that I serve a God of comfort, a God who is intimately aware of what my heart longs for, but I also serve a God who desires my intimacy with him above all else. I serve a God who knows every step that I will take and is not about walking me into suffering for suffering’s sake.
So, as I take a step into a new year of life, I take that step with both joy and grief. I am beyond grateful for the life that God has given me, but that doesn’t mean that my desires suddenly go away because I am happy with my life. Everyday I take a step into the life God has called me to, trusting that he will meet my desires. Trusting that he sits with me in both joy and grief. Knowing that I serve a good, good God.
